Shmeiki Baba

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Fast Facts
Other Names and Nicknames: 
nitwit, Yonatan Levi
shmeiki, eternal, light
Main Countries of Activity: 
India, Israel
Date of Birth: 
Place of Birth: 
In His/Her Body ("alive"): 
Ancestor Gurus: 


Shmeiki Baba received a transmission from a mild haemorrhoid, during a psychedelic ceremony in Goa in 2005. This is the first recorded reemergence of Shmeiki in more than 1000 years. Shmeiki Baba, now dedicates to what he calls: paradigms for avoiding nuclear war. He says: laugh now, whilst we can.

Om Shmeiki



All the while, our world spins round the sun, never missing a turn, Shmeiki Baba continues to share his knowledge. This week, he’s running a special seminar on how to develop a profit making cult.

…..Friends, everyone sitting here knows it’s better to avoid cults, but since the recession has arrived, and a war with Iran is on the cards, I guess there’s little to lose……

Now, there are a number of simple steps to starting a cult.

No. 1. Make like a guru.

The dynamic at work between Guruji and his followers is as follows: I am still a slave to the whims of my mind, you are too. But rather than being a slave to the whims of your mind, gain a little space, and be a slave to the whims of my mind instead. You see there are givers and takers in this world. Some people need to give, and it’s a mistake not to allow them to do so. Of course when we adopt this stance, people will have expectations. So we ought to be spontaneous, light and easy, like children. Our words must be wise and humorous, like fathers. And like brothers, we must share some of what we have. This is how we become the embodiment of compassion, even when faced with lost, pathetic people who come to feed off our energy.

Dealing with fucked up people, is the one downside to this business. We must think of them as ugly people waiting to become beautiful, as geeks soon to turn cool, as victims about to turn victorious. Let us remember that the power of transformation is limitless.

2. The Schpiel

We need to spend some time writing down what we’ve learnt from experience, and distil it down to form the backbone of our ideology, which we can of course expand, change and contradict over time. But let’s always try to steer followers away from philosophy, and instead focus on the here and now. We can use phrases such as ‘my words only point, they are not the thing itself’ and ‘truth is beyond logic and lies within paradoxes,’ to get away with most inconsistencies.

We must feel free to say anything we want, but it’s important to remember to speak slowly, with a sincere smile, and to meet everyone eye to eye – and never be the one to look away first. Some simple NLP style communications techniques can help make people feel warm - notice how I try to use the inclusive ‘we’ rather than ‘you.’

Like a cyclone needs certain conditions to form, if we make the right conditions, the cult will form. It is a natural phenomenon, an instinctive grouping system amongst humans, based around finding security in consensus.

2. The Gospel.

We do also need write one more thing – a ridiculous and improbable story about how our philosophy came to being. Its best, though not necessary, to hang it on a prophet or other mysterious channel of ultimate truth. For example, Shmeiki appeared to the Shmeiki Baba when his haemorrhoid began talking during a trip. Its good that the story is improbable, so that when followers believe it, we know they are properly hooked.

3. Regular group meetings.

This is where the group dynamic of the cult begins. At the beginning two or three people is enough. At the meetings, talk briefly about philosophy, and concentrate on fun techniques, meditations and social games. Aim to increase the numbers of meetings, in order gradually to take people away from their old friends and family.

With around nine strong members it’s viable to start a commune, in a house in the countryside. It is they who will pay for its rental and maintenance. Create a regime which is exciting and light-hearted, but which results in sleep for only short periods and at strange times. We need to replace the followers old identity with a shiny new identity, which is based on freedom and self development. We have our own Shmeiki vocabulary to express our group’s ideas: shmantra, shmoga, and shmundalini. Remember to reward loyal followers with appropriate positions of responsibility.

4. Techniques and activities.

Followers need techniques to help them focus on the now. Shmeiki has many techniques. Almost all of them work with equal effect, except psychedelics, which if used properly, can work better than everything else. Techniques can come from anything though, for example the Shmeiki Healing Foundation is currently organizing a Rename Your Street Day, in support of human liberation. Followers are currently working on special new names for streets in Israel. Initial proposals are: Moshe the Rapist Avenue, and Ehud the Embezzler Street…..


Running courses is a key income generator. But running a Teachers Training Program is even more important – this is where we train other people to run our courses, so they can share in our system’s profits. This is a basic pyramid selling scheme, and a great source of wealth.

As you can see, setting up your own cult is a lot of work. If it sounds a bit daunting, but you find yourself attracted to the Shmeiki way, you are welcome to take part in our own Shmeiki Teacher Training Course, which will allow you to run your own profitable Shmeiki courses. You can talk to Shoham about this later, and also check for details.

6. The Inner Circle

Graduates of the Teachers Training Course, comprise the elite of spiritual followers and sit closest to Guruji. In Shmeiki, they are known as The Secret Army of Shmeiki. The goal of the secret Army of Shmeiki is: to make a non serious world. Our main weapon is: the practical joke. Our one true duty is: to see the funny side of things. Our salvation lies: in laughter. We know that this, and by ‘this’ we mean ‘the universe’, is one VERY big joke. And this is why, we, the Shmeiki warriors, are not held down by loans or mortgages, but are mobile, self sufficient, and generally like to live a life of lazy, hippy luxury in various third world beach paradises.

5. Manufacture key products

In most businesses, the key cost is labour. One of the advantages of having a cult is that we are provided a workforce, who work from love, and who we don’t need to pay. As we speak, around the world cult members are working away, making incense, and amulets, distributing books and dodgy mineral, without so much as a dollar being paid to them.


Pro Opinions

Shmeiki, we love you

erez's picture

Shmeiki, we love you, we may have a match for you - see Surya Amma at