New Life? Enlightened?

benucci's picture

Average: 5 (2 votes)


It is very weird. I started two 1 year ago to go inward, because I met on my travels a guy, who was very angry with me and he was very good. I started being radically honest a method from Brad Blanton a psychotherapist. I came back home
to my parents after 2 years australia. It was an intense time with emotional turmoil with women, with views from my parents, because I was a very free spirit in australia and back to germany and the structure very different. I am 24 years old and lately I used the Inquiry method one time( Who is it having this feeling and so on). It was already very peaceful, but now there is something much more. My person/I was on a dance contest with friends and watched 14 hours music always the same. Suddenly my look came completely empty, my mind blank, I saw the surroundings and it was a silence all the time, no paranoia, just silence perceiveing the surroundings. After 30-40 minutes I started to walk around and everything was so new like I am just perceiving and without control where I go. The actions were all for the other I have the feeling. It is so new and weird its still there its just perceiving all the time and my eyes are single and a little bit pressure in the middle of eyes in the head. Mind is all the time blank if I choose to, just new thoughts pop in, because its all new. If I dont like what a person says, I get angry,but in a silence or I just go into silence, but it is always new, like I dont care to be angry,this experience was like an experience of onenes and I saw the beauty in a silence under all things and was disidentified with mind and body maybe. But now I have feeling like Ramesh Balsekar that everything is happening according to gods law or consciousness. Its like a little child just perceiving. I dont have any plan and its like my person is just walking to everything and people to watch them and try to bring harmony or so. My person doesnt care anymore, just doing, sometimes there comes the thought you cant do that( tell them about your experience and insight), but then my person does it without control. I dont know, its weir. If I try to describe it to people, sometimes my person just goes straight look blank, silence, smile! I wake up in the morning now and dont know whats happening, think sometimes about going to family members just be with them or to friends. Its also a bit like I start from the blank. Today my father said with a arrogant tone of voice, that I should cut the wood for the oven. I was angry with him, but its like my person doesnt care anymore. He was after friendly and I automaticely cut the wood. Its all happening without control, I always go blank and then out of that something happens, but most of the time I just go to people watching them and listening and always try to bring them back to the moment or so. After I told my aunt this she suggested me to go to a neurologist and I will do it, but Its like I dont care:)

benucci's picture

Now its normally time to get

Now its normally time to get a job and I am not afraid of taking one, but actually my mind is blank and I have no control. Its just 4 days ago since I had this experience and its not that Iam doing nothing, but its alwas blank and just happening! Now I have to laugh:) M person walks a lot, but its more without destination, completely spontanious and I say to everybody what I experienced and think sometimes it maybe an error and they will kill me:) What is this force doing all this? God? Sometimes I just stand in front of family mebers now with alook of a little child, who doesnt know what to do and thats how I feel, but my person doesnt get emotional involved long just in that moment and one second after blankness perceiving silence. Its funny:)
Whats this?

benucci | Wed, 11/11/2009 - 16:18
divine intervention's picture

Facinating account!

Fascinating! The special direct way you describe the experience without too much analysis. Thank you for sharing this this way. I like the personal accounts the most. I find them more inspiring and less pretentious although many teachings in gurusfeet are astonishingly advanced.

I have a few questions:

Why was this guy mad with you? In what way did he make you go inwardly?

By inquiry you mean the sort of method in ?

The experience in the dance contest - did you take something? (I'm not suggesting anything negative about drugs and I'm not underestimating the validity of the event, on the contrary. I has a similar thing and it was under MDMA and after smoking marijuana.)

How did this state influence your romantic relationships and sexual functioning if it did at all?

Finally and most importantly, I came to realize that the best way to identify whether it is some kind of psychological/neurological problem or an advanced spiritual state is your feeling: if you are deeply depressed and unhappy it is may be a psychological problem and anyway you better consult a psychologist or a neurologist. If you feel happy, blissful and serene it is probably a spiritual state and anyway you have no reason to consult an expert.

divine intervention | Wed, 11/11/2009 - 17:08
benucci's picture

The guy I met in australia,

The guy I met in australia, was a friend of mine. He was very loving and kind like a little child and we all stayed together in a hostel and it was the most familiar and fun time in my life before my experience 5 days ago. It was a community of sharing, fun and love for me and others. And this guy was a personality, who seemed to be carefree,loving but totally unneedy. From my perspective now its very different to before. A lot of people inclusive me got jealous and I told him, that I dont want him to take my girlfriend I was together with, because I saw that he is like a magnet. He didnt do it anyways.
But I was still jealous at him, that he is so popular. Before I came into the hostel and during that time I wasnt completely honest to me and always wanted to be more or so. In before I met a guy who told me how to learn to be more successful with girls and it started, with all the self improvement stuff for betterment n social things and all the usual goals you have. I was a virgin so its understandable:)
Sure I didnt tell my girlfriend and thats the reason, why I just left her and made her sad, because I didnt show my true self and pretended to be someone else. After the good time in the hostel Bjoern seemed to pick up my signals of betterment and then he freaked out, but with love behind. I left but 6 month later I was in the outback and felt lonely thinking about the time with Bjoern andd the others and then I heard his words all the time* Is that really important?*That was the time, where I went more Inward and got into things like radical honesty and questioned my fake personality.This process, that you start being more honest with yourself, lead me up to the point, where you admit, that you just want to be unconditionally loved. 2 weeks ago I told my girlfriend this and she broke up. All this time especially lately was a time of sadness and it gets emotional all crazy, because you become like a little child and pick up every signal of danger in others and show reactions to it. Now I would say you go more and more into the moment and become like a child, but what do you think how society reacts to this kind of behaviour?:) Its not easy:) I watched movies like american Beauty with my girlfriends, to get them to understand me and views in general about life, to show them what kind of fake personality they have and with the hope not to see all these bad character traits. I told my girlfriend, that she is totally cold during sex and my body reactions were scared of her and I was always scared that she will leave me oneday not because I wasnt confident, but because I could sense that she is searching even more than me. I was searching aswell, but I searched unconditional love, the basic underlying search behind all things so i was scared of a woman who searches for kinky sex, or fame or other things, because the more you search the more you hurt others! Yeah and then it came this experience and it changes everything.The realization that everything is happening as it should be under the command of god or consciousness silence, brings a totally new understanding. You are consciousness, the perceiver, all emotions are okay, the problem of the human suffering is that the people dont bring up their denial and all the emotions up to the surface till they perceive like a little child, who is helpless.
If every human would remember the experience of unity, which is actually just the rememberings I think from the unity before the I got created as a child, it would be heaven on earth. Its just that everybody takes the habits and opinions from his parents unconsciously in his life and so there comes guilt over emotions. If you make this unity experience, the guilt over emotions vanishes. Means you can get totally angry, but you still love the other, because you know he is you and life is you, god has control, whatever it is? All religions speak from this denial and the more control you have over your life the more you suffer actually. People who have no control dont suffer because they feel bad, they suffer, because others feel bad, who are controlling! In my view, there are some really basic errors in thinking directions of he main in society. Its denial jesus spoke of and others too. Meditation is just a cleaning process and inward process to remember that time in the womb. If you just sit and the shit comes up its unlearning. Every human should unlearn up to the point of unity and the it would be heaven, But god is aking care of this process I think and it really doesnt matter if the things are not how they should be one day it will be for all I think or I hope.

The inquiry method you said is the one I used, very good exercise!:)

No drugs, 1.5 years ago I smoked pot for 3 month but not much. Smoke cigarettes though. But I never took chemicals or other drugs!

I am not deeply depressed after that, its always an unshakeable silence, with different emotions, but they dont depend upon me, they depend upon the other. If I meet a child who laughs Iam happy, if I meet my father today and he is ignorant and arrogant, I get angry and after I told him today, that he is ignorant and a teacher, he wanted to punch me, but after it was all okay and the emotions changed in both of us up to the point, that we hugged and it seems alright i hope. I mean what do you expect, if you tell your father, that you dont have any control over you actions and he wants you to do this, must this and so on. I really want them to be happy and there come thoughts to look now for a job and son on, but the next moment in can be different:) I told now everybody up till now even good family friends about my experience, it was all okay actually I told them that I dont have any control, and to be honest I really dont know why I am doing this? Maybe to be put in a psychatric place:) I think I shouldnt do it, but then its just happening:) Very dangerous and interesting for me. My mum is sad now, because she doesnt even know spirituality and my dad knows about buddhism, because he is a religion teache and knows about Nothingness.So he told me now before I write you this that its hard for mum to grasp this and its normal.
I can understand that completely and I went to mums bed and tried to give her a hug, because I dont want her to be sad. I was sad aswell.

I will go to the neurologist, because I am anyway interested, whats going on in my brain, I hope nothing is wrong, but I dont think so, because Iam not depressed or so. Its changing spontanious, but always blank silence.

Wish you all the best,


benucci | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 00:29
genep's picture

Doctors, MDs

OBVIOUSLY the Self has manifested it-SELF in you as "Kundalini" alias Samadhi. THE ONLY thing MDs know about Kundalini: it MUST be a mental disease, "derealization" because it distorts the appearance of society's "reality."

I'm speaking as an ex-MD: stay away from MDs... they KNOW nothing about "spirit", Self. They will do everything they can to bring you back to THEIR reality with drugs and if need-be electro-convulsive-therapy, even lobotomies.

Your story reminds me of Eckhart Tolle's story -- read it, and read about the years he spent trying to figure out what happened.
Tolle's short story is included in:
Mystics, Masters, Saints and Sages: Stories of Enlightenment
By Robert Ullman and Judyth Reichenberg-Ullman

I strongly suggest you read this BOOK that reveals that regardless of religion: the limits of spirituality (Kundalini) is always the same: Self, Guru, Samadhi

happy sailing

genep | Thu, 11/19/2009 - 22:41