... and this is part of MY growth

datakat's picture

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Lost in Work (2007)

I guess I don’t feel like I belong here.
Or rather, I do belong here but only in the sense that
I understand what we are doing and can do the work
and produce outcomes that are “good enough”
for those in the position to review.
But I don’t think they are worthy
of what we could actually do in this world.
So I wonder why I try to continue down this path,
when I don’t feel fulfillment in this role.
I just do.
And while it is enjoyable for me
and I am somewhat challenged;
I feel less than proud
of what I contribute to the whole.
I don’t know what my true role is
in this society or this world.
I don’t know how I am giving back
to heal this life, this earth, all that is.
I just feel the motions and I continue
to make the same decisions, the same actions,
with slightly different thoughts,
but the same outcomes.
In some ways I have grown
in that I no longer feel the deep pains,
but more a realization that there is pain
and I can mask it with numbness and forgetfulness
and enlightenment in some senses.
I try so hard sometimes to know that where I am
is exactly where I should be and
that having no attachment and no judgment
is better than feeling the pain.
But sometimes I would rather writhe in the sadness,
let go of the madness
and release the energy that lingers
so that I can be free.
So that I don’t have to worry.
So that I can heal myself, help heal others,
and help heal this earth.
And then I go round the same circles,
to be slightly further than I was a minute ago.
And that, is growth