Who Me... Who She...

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I was telling darling aunty when I went to visit her

End April of 2011...about a few months before she died

She was about 75 years old or so

That there was nothing to fear

There's not even nothing and no one there

Even as I held her frail trembling hand in mine

Like a little fluttering bird... in it's death throes

She was lying there in a room in her daughter's home in Goa... it resembled an ICU in hospital

She was all hooked up to tubes and gauges and the ventilator

Her body had already gone into multiple organ failure

And her eyes welled up with tears that rolled gently down her cheeks as she looked at me imploringly

As if to say

But this

I will never see again

I had known her since I was 16

She was my mom's friend... and her husband my dad's colleague in the air force

Yet we became closer than close

And till the end of her days... she remained a dear, dear friend

The only one I could speak to

She passed away around mid 2011

Those were not the days of the internet

And I never spoke of this to anyone else

She'd had glimpses, so she kinda knew what I was speaking about

I reflected back to her the emptiness
And she reflected back to me the fullness

We were mirrors of each other
Mirrors of our own love and emptiness

And emptiness and fullness fell into each other and could no more be told apart

Who me
Who she


The emptiness is beautiful to behold
Yet empty of even emptiness
And beauty
And any beholder of it

Many refer to it as oneness

But there's not even nothing and no one there

No me... no you... no love... nor beauty... no laughter... no tears

Once seen... this cannot be unseen

A mirage doesn't go away once it's been seen as a mirage

This two step... is where you and I

This merry dance between everything and nothing

Footless we dance
And these songs sing themselves


The fullness had already begun to seep in
And I wept with her

She had often told me... that even in a dream

If you're thirsty
You'll get up and drink dream water


There is this beautiful story of Uddhav

Krishna had sent him to meet the gopis

He had the knowledge of this intuited unicity... his brain had seen through the charade

And yet the fullness had not rushed in

He was flummoxed seeing the gopis weeping... feeling bereft at Krishna having left them... the gopis that were lost in their love for Krishna... and what he saw as the pain of separation... and cause of suffering


Starting to tell them that it was all an illusion.... Uddhav was astounded

The gopis, felt Krishna's presence everywhere

And it was not the pain of separation
It was simply the longing to express their love

For without the other
They were not


This is a picture of aunty seated in the center with her daughter, son in law and 2 grandkids