Surviving and living with effects of rape/sexual abuse

hmmm's picture



Average: 4.9 (8 votes)
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When I was 19 years old,I was gang raped in Manchester where I grew up.The next day,I packed my bags and went to live in London,stayed with my cousin for a couple of months,and then became a nanny for a year.I then joined the Hare Krishna movement.
I was often critisised for being "morose" at the temple,because I wasnt exhibiting the blissfulness that was considered God conscious.
Sometimes I felt very isolated and judged by these spiritual people.
I met my wonderful guru there and knew instantly I had found the teacher I had been searching for all my life-I will tell you more about him in time.

Looking back over my life,I now realise I spent many,many years,after the rape,suffering what is now known as"post traumatic stress syndrome."
I came to live in Glastonbury in 1984 and studied various spiritual beliefs and healing methods.
People often commented that I was moody and seemed to have alot of anger inside.
One day when I was telling a friend/healer/writer how everyone kept telling me I had all this anger,she looked directly and intently at me and asked me if Id ever been raped.I had actually buried it all,hadnt really thought about it or how it had affected me.
For a few days afterwards I was weeping and shaking uncontrollably, as her question had unleashed the memories from deep within my subconscious.At first I was angry with this lady for uncovering this powerful response,but I later realised she had started the process of healing and confronting the reality of how this terrible crime impacts on ones life.
Its been a long,painful process and I am attempting to write a film script based on the whole experience.
I have a strong, defiant spirit and have fought hard not to allow those ignorant,misguided young men to dim the light in my soul with their dark,demoniac actions.
I also understand that they might have dominated and forcibly entered my body but they had not touched my soul.

There is alot I want to say on the whole subject,which is why Im working on the film story.I want, through that medium,to try and pass on some of the strength I know I possess.

And if you meet someone who seems morose,introverted,dysfunctional,please dont judge them-God only knows what that soul has been through,after all!

Thirty years later,I realise,I have done really well, all things considered.Its not me who should feel ashamed.

I dont hate men,though sometimes I shudder at what some are capable of.I trust,that in time,justice will be done and God will mete it out accordingly.If anything I just feel a profound sense of sadness and even compassion, for those dark,deluded souls who inflict such terrible wounds on others.They are sick individuals,for sure.

My spiritual beliefs have certainly helped,the fire in my soul burns away all the dross,the impurities,all the darkness and at the end that flame is all that remains.

With that in mind,I continue on my journey,knowing that my true self can never be destroyed,will live on eternally and might even,once again experience true, abiding joy!

Heres to heaven on earth,folks-I believe in the last pages of the bible-Revelations!Most of the prophecies from many different cultures and traditions seem to have similar themes.I think that time is finally drawing closer.



Asanga's picture

Thank you

Thank you for honouring this space with such an open sharing of your trauma. I feel truly empowered by your candour and deep compassion...

I am certain that the film you will make will transform and heal a great amount of ignorance that masquerades as mindless violence on women in our world today...

I wish all the very best to you and feel humbled in front of your greatness...

Thank you once again...

I am, yet I am not...

Asanga | Tue, 12/15/2009 - 17:19
solo's picture

Like a diamond

You are incredible! I enjoy reading your posts so much and get so much inspiration. Are you familiar with www.maps.com for PTSD?

I would say that not only those who are morose, introverted, dysfunctional have gone through hell and therefore their external behavior but also those who rape, kill and harm others. There is no magical separation between the inner and the outer. You always find the sources and the pains within.

And the soul... indeed it is not affected, it is like a crude diamond dug from the ground - it is covered with terrible mud and dirt. This is not an attempt to beautify the ugly - it is a fact.

solo | Tue, 12/15/2009 - 17:47
hmmm's picture

Thank you!

I thank you so much for kind response and for sharing your own insights and wisdom.I absolutely agree with your words and I did not at all think you were attempting to beautify the ugly,because that is indeed a fact!!

hmmm | Wed, 12/16/2009 - 10:53
Annie's picture

you touched my heart so much

Dear, you touched my heart so much, your sincerity is a treasure you shouldn't take for granted.

Annie | Wed, 12/16/2009 - 20:46