MAI's picture

Average: 5 (4 votes)

Years and years of struggle, and somehow always finding life coming up short….!!!
Never quite fitting right.
Something missing….
A word, a thought, an action; me, the other person; a situation, a circumstance……..

Perhaps a little tweak here, and a little twist there, would do it.
Perhaps, push a little, pull a little…
Maybe, that would do it.
Somehow, it just never worked…!!!

I remember a time, many eons ago, when my son was four years old.
He wanted to learn how to wear his own shoes, and tie his shoe laces by himself.

I showed him once, and that was it.

It didn’t matter that he would be late for school; that there were half a dozen little tots, along with school bags and water bottles, all hanging precariously from the rickshaw, standing outside the door, ready to transport him to school.
He just had to tie his own shoe laces.
Trying really hard to align the length of both ends, pull one side, the other would come up short ! Adjust the other side, and the first one would be a tad longer….

I hoped at some point in life, he’d learn that it was ok, even it wasn’t perfect.

Never mind teaching my son, I hoped I, would learn, that life was perfect, even when it was not.

There was that occasional glimmer….

With all my imperfections, I stumbled into the spiritual realm too…

Looking for answers, to why….
And finding, why not….?

I had a silent, internal conversation with my guru, once…..

This was at a time when miraculous phenomena was coming at me from all sides, 24*7 .

Hightened intuition, clairvoyance, clairaudience, out of body experiences, past lives, the sudden seeing of auras…
Insights and revelations, became a norm…

I remember my mother { who lived in the ashram, and was the most "deserving candidate", in my opinion } telling me, that I should develop all these faculties, as I was being shown that they were there. I laughed out loud, telling her that if I had the formula, I would, but I didn’t even know how it was all happening.

It spontaneously just was.

And I really wasn’t even bothered about it.

Knowing that as spontaneously as all this arose, so would it stay, for as long as it was required, and just as spontaneously go.

I wasn’t interested in hanging on to any of these phenomena.

And amidst all this, sitting quietly in meditation, eyes closed, I had this silent, internal conversation with my guru.

“ Swami……why me…? There are all these much more deserving people all around me….they have done so much sadhana. I’ve led a pretty ordinary life…a wife and a mother…not even half a decent one by any standards of success; never even prayed….I know no mantras, do no japa…have never even meditated….then why me…?”

And Swami smiled his gentle smile and responded
“Why not ?”

One end of the shoe lace was being yanked up…!!!

An observation :

The ego manifests subtly….

-Either when you think you are too great, and others somehow inferior….. and you ask “why me ?”, and you think that nothing negative can ever happen to you; in which case life will pull the shoe lace down, shorten it.

-Or when you think that everyone else is somehow more deserving, better, and you’re not good enough, and nothing good can ever happen to you; and when it does, and you ask “why me ?”, in which case life will yank the shoe lace up, lengthen it.

Both forms of ego.

By ego I mean, separation of a "me" from life, from what is.
From as it is.

This up-down game is nature and life’s way of balancing the act….




Then one way or the other….
It doesn’t matter anymore.

No more shoveing and pulling.

One lets it all be.

The short lace is short…
And that ok.
The long lace is long…
And that’s ok too.

And you let it just be.
Unless you don’t…

And start pulling and pushing again.
And that’s ok too.

An idea of perfection, is just that. An idea.
It isn’t perfect.
Take the idea away, and what’s left ?


As it is.

Whatever that might be.

Without the label.
Of perfect or imperfect.

And without the ideas, without the mentation,

There’s a stillness.

This stillness, is the space where all that is,
is held, gently, lovingly, and allowed to be.


As it is.


Am adding this beautiful poem by Jeff Foster as a footnote. Rather appropriate.


-by Jeff Foster

I once dreamed
That I was asleep
And others were awake.

I felt small, inferior,
so far from home.

I woke up
And found myself in another dream
Where I was awake
And others were asleep.

I felt powerful, special,
so very enlightened.

I woke up from that dream
Into another dream
Where I had awakened from all dreams
(Even that dream)
And others had not.

I was finished, fully awake, finally home.

And then I woke up.

The dreams became recursive.
Dreams within dreams.
Dreams beyond dreams.
Dreams about not dreaming.
Harder and harder to wake up from.
Harder to stay asleep.

Was there a final dream?
An awakening with no possibility of it being a dream?
And wouldn't that be another dream?
And who would wake up from that?
Who would dream it?

Who was I,
beyond dreams and waking?

What was holding dreams of being asleep,
and dreams of being awake?

What saw no 'other'?

What was always already awake?

Beyond the dreamer and the dream,
Beyond the dream of the awakened dreamer,
Beyond all dreams of awakening,
And awakening from those dreams,

Beyond 'I am awake',
Beyond 'She is asleep',
Beyond 'He is dreaming',

There is the reading of these words.
There is this... breathing.
There is the beating of the heart.

There is this,
which cannot dream.
For it cannot sleep
and is forever awake.

Even in deep sleep.

Peace beyond words.

The final dream?

Asanga's picture

:-) :-) :-)

A monk asked Ts'ui-wei about the way.

Ts'ui-wei answered: "Wait until there is no one around, and I will tell you."

Some time later the monk approached Ts'ui-wei again,"There is nobody here now. Please answer me."

Ts'ui-wei led him out into the bamboo grove, saying nothing.

Still the monk did not understand.

At last Ts'ui-wei said, "Here is a tall bamboo; there is a short one!"

I am, yet I am not...

Asanga | Mon, 12/10/2012 - 06:03
Asanga's picture

Tao Story

A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest.

They came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree.

The carpenter asked his apprentice: "Do you know why this tree
is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?"

The apprentice looked at his master and said: "No. . . why?"
"Well," the carpenter said, "because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs.

But because it is useless it could grow so tall and beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax."

I am, yet I am not...

Asanga | Mon, 12/10/2012 - 06:06
MAI's picture

Indeed, yes indeed...

Dear Asanga,
Love both the tao stories you put up.
Our true worth lies in us just being us.
:-) :-)


MAI | Mon, 12/10/2012 - 06:16
MAI's picture

Expectations of...

Remeber reading this somewhere :

"What screws us up most in life, is a picture in our head of how it's supposed to be ".



MAI | Mon, 12/10/2012 - 07:26