not good enough

KRST22's picture

Average: 5 (2 votes)

So I noticed the other day that I don't think before I speak. I just let words fly out of mouth, they usually support this hidden agenda of mine which to be honest I'm not quite sure what it is. I do it to my husband consistently. Its awful and I really want to stop. Its like no matter what he does its never good enough for me. This mirrors the rest of my life bc I have a pattern of feeling like I can always do better. Why is it that I'm never satisfied with myself or anyone else? I remember when I was young my parents had to sign my report cards, one year inlike third grade or something I got all A's and a B, my father refused to sign it. He told me I should have had all A's, he not only refused to sign he seemed angry about it. Could that one incident really be the root of this? I will admit to being a perfectionist on a lot of things, pretty much if I feel I should be able to do something right and I don't I feel like I need to do it again until I can figure it out. Maybe that's my issue I feel like I should have all the answers and should know how to do everything or at least figure out how stuff works. Is this why I constantly feel under pressure? Like everything I do is going on a report card. How do I stop? I feel like even when I fgigure out the source of my issues I still don't know how to get around them.

joejo's picture

Envy & Comarision

The root of Desire is that one is never satisfied. It springs from deeper conditioning of comparision and envy. The self is always seeking something and its search for Spirituality is part of the same game. It is no one’s particular fault but our common lot that we inherit because of conditioning from society, as we are social animals.

Looking for causes does not help but an insight into the structure of psyche without comparison or result oriented search, even if there are noble intention behind it.

Then there is an enquiry into what is Love or a life free of conflict. If one wants temporary relief by meditation or some such thing then it’s a different matter but to "See" for oneself the absurdity of life is altogether a different ball game which demands humility and earnestness which do not seek immediate results or gratification.

joejo | Tue, 11/15/2011 - 02:38
KRST22's picture

what is desire?

thank you for your response.

i think i understand what you are saying as far as desire. that does explain why i am never satisfied but i'm not so sure the envy and comparison concept applies in my case. I've never really compared myself to anyone, I prefer to set my own standards and go by what i want, not what someone else has or what I think will make me look "cool."

this does however make me think...what is the difference between desire and just wanting stuff. i for one am a very goal orientated person so when i set a goal its to accomplish something i want = desire. i have a desire to accomplish my goals what happens when one has no desires? does one just become content with their place in life and call it a day? if you are in a good place to start off with then maybe it's not such a bad idea but when you are financially underwater losing the drive to succeed and over come(desire?) would lead to drowning.

there has to be a difference i am missing somewhere because other wise that does not make sense (to me). there are times when i have witnessed the absurdity of my life but it's usually in regards to my perception of things not the actual things themselves.

as for comparison is wrong to compare to oneself? i guess i can admit that i do compare to myself, my present and my past. basically i want to improve my present so that my future is better than my past. i guess i do compare more than just that because i also compare my childhood to that of my daughter's. i want to make sure hers is better and that she has all she needs and never knows what its like to feel poor, abandoned, neglected, abused or unimportant. i think most good parents could agree with that. so again that is i guess by definition desire but wouldn't be wrong not to want better for my child?

i think i know love and as for a life free of conflict, i'm not so sure i'd like that because i believe you grow through your resolutions to conflict. i don't want temporary relief remedies i can come up with a million of those on my own i just want to stop making the same mistakes. i feel like once i've identified the problem its only a matter of time before trial and error results in success.

i realize i've digressed please excuse. i just enjoy thinking "out loud" because it helps me sort these thoughts out in my head and helps me literally see what i am thinking. i do however appreciate your comment so thank you for it.


KRST22 | Tue, 11/15/2011 - 22:58
joejo's picture

Sincerity & Lie

Could we begin to look in a totally different manner at the problem & perhaps come back to the issues you have raised? We do not know what it is to be sincere. Fundamentally human beings lie. We lie all the time yet it may go by different names, politeness or social etiquette. Apart from pretences that are so common let’s look at an example. I go for an interview and am pretty nervous but put on a confident act out of the fear of giving a wrong impression. If I succeed in the con trick or am good at it what would the real me (I) be. Confident, or the other that only I know in my heart. Both are true but if I have to transform radically I have to deal with my inner fear. The outer facade is just that and of no use as far as growth is concerned.

Now let’s come back to Desire. Body needs food and it has to be nutritious. It feels hunger which is natural and can't be called desire. But what about psychological craving of food even if one is not hungry. The cause of this psychological craving could be many and it may also in some way be related to the need of body for food, but we could easily distinguish one from the other, if we are sincere.

To lie to oneself is most dangerous. To become (improve) psychologically is a lie that we tell ourselves. To face what we are and Love (care, concern) that self, is to grow.

joejo | Wed, 11/16/2011 - 02:43
KRST22's picture

still thinking...

I've really been thinking about what you said; facing what we are..I've been trying to figure out what it is that I am. I'm going to take more time to contemplate this but I wanted to thank you for your comment.


KRST22 | Thu, 11/17/2011 - 03:13