The Need To Have A Parallel Reality Falls Away.......

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Years ago, when I realized, that inspite of the shift, the seeing of the "no-self"......the "self", was very much alive and kicking......I was literally, broken down !
The "self", still felt pain and joy and fear......

All my denials of these were a lie......

I'd be paralyzed into inaction, because of fear.....
Tongue tied, unable to speak up, in an actual scenario.....
And though I now, acted, in-spite of these.....
They were still very much there......
They would surface time and again, in my interactions with people.....
Staring me in the face......
And trying to tell myself or the world that I didn't anymore feel these feelings....
Was trying to set myself up as a false image, entirely hollow from within...
Paint a picture of myself, entirely at odds.......

I knew I didn't believe my own lies, anymore......
And suspected, no one else did, either......

{ I had often seen people lie, and often wondered, whether they really thought, others' couldn't cotton on......were they that delusional ?? }

Realization of "no self", had not changed a thing......
"I", had not become anything other than what I was.......

The "self", goes on it's merry way........ even when it's aware of it's own absence.......
Even in the face of seeing through, all false ideas of what it aught to look like.......

And they keep up the charade......

Wearing it as a cloak of protection......to feel safe from the terrifying tale......

It would be funny.....if it wasn't so sad........

The need to have a parallel reality falls away.......

Leaving life in all it's fragile vulnerable beauty.......

This is it.....
This is it......

It, surprisingly, wasn't the emptiness, of the sense of a separate self, that was disconcerting......it was more my expectations of it disappearing into the ethers, like a puff of smoke, having seen it's non-existent nature.......the thing is that as life unravels, the tendency to see each aspect as complete in itself, and it sure feels that way, causes one to feel, this is The End !! Every thing is it.....this.....and this....... and this......

The complete acceptance of this conceptual self, without any ideas of what it should look like, which was it had set itself up as.........dropping all notions, of this and not that, or that and not this.......this or that.......was excruciating, to say the least.........

The separate self { no-self } was seen and experienced, completely in all it's Essence and Fullness.........and so was The Radiant Self......in all it's Glory and Emptiness ........the two were not separate......and that which was previously seen, only in relation with the other, collapsed...........not one, not two......not different , not same.......

....I had no external guide either !! The knots spontaneously started untying themselves......

I hit a solid road-block, nay a veritable mountain of a boulder, on realizing that "nothing" had actually happened, to a "no-one." What's left to talk about, and to whom ? Never mind 'others", there wasn't even a "me" There was just an abiding, for 15 years.......When the talking and sharing started, a few years back.......all I could do was smile.......at the simple functioning of talking and sharing.......inspite of a "me", and "the other"......!!!

All happens spontaneously......an organic movement.....

........the show plays itself.......

"I" , as the center, collapsed ! It was simply, Life......lifing.......



MAI's picture

A dream's a dream.....

" Awareness that it's a dream, does not grant the power to alter its course. "

~~MM

TRUTH,LOVE,PEACE
MAI

MAI | Tue, 09/02/2014 - 17:56