Monkey Business, This

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The self can't see through it's own non self-ness

Through the solidity of itself

And it does seem so solid

Just like a mirage cannot un-mirage itself

And yet when the mind drops even for what seems a sec
And it's not in time
For even time is made up


The brain sees through it's own charade
And there is no me or you there
Empty of even emptiness

Hence the adage... "no one awakens"

The shift does not happen to "a person"

There's not even nothing there

Empty holograms

Yet simultaneously a feeling of expanse
And bliss

Of being everything
Yet nothing

Not of a "me" being everything or nothing

But where there are simply no edges
And no one left to claim anything

It's objectless... dimensionless

And the objectified mind steps back in and grasps and claims it as itself

It's what the objectified mind does

Without which the species could not survive

It's quite literally like a self protective mechanism in the brain

Without which we'd all be a drooling mess

The self still looks out for itself
Does this and that... and makes what seem like apparent choices... for it's well being

Yet it's known that it is simply life doing itself

Without a me doing or not doing a thing

It's quite common

I did too... for a while

Many fall for the largely held belief of "universal consciousness"... or even describe it as "consciousness is all there is"...or "oneness"

Like a whole lot of separate things all joined together
Into a bigger better thing

When there never were any separate "things"

But with a little bit of Rita on the side
With them still in it


That nagging feeling never left
Once the "no-self" had been seen through

It was simply never believed again

Not that, that's a separate something that happens

A streaming seamlessness

It was just the flow

No one walks around saying
Oh I believe this
Or this I don't

Like if one has worn earrings or a ring
Or even a golden chain around the neck
For years and years

One doesn't even notice it's there
Or not

And one fine day
You notice

It's gone

Though the "me" still kept playing through

And it was utterly devastating
For years

A subtle clinging to a handhold that if it isn't real then it shouldn't appear
That it wasn't even there
For crying out loud

Life carried on beating the daylights out of me... till I was black and blue

So tightly was I then clinging on to emptiness
As if literally my life depended on it... and it did

For without not even nothing there
Empty of emptiness


The fullness did not come rushing back in
It seeped in slowly over the years
At it's own sweet pace

It had always been there... along with the emptiness

But the pendulum had swung
From one extreme to the other

And I'll be damned if I was gonna let that preciousness go

I'd longed for it at some level... my own absence
Even though I really didn't even have an idea that I had

When towards the end
It came rushing in, in a torrential flow

Everything I had run away from
Was right here

And me with it
Where could it go

Slam dunk right back
Where I'd never left

I silently wept tears of blood inside me

There was nowhere left to go... and nowhere left to hide... and no denial

And a strange peace engulfed me simultaneously

So quietly
So gently

And it enveloped me in it's fragrance

Perfumed my life so subtly yet unmistakably

And that fragrance was me
Empty of me

It's inexplicable

It was utter rest

Like a life time of weight had slipped from my shoulders

And it all took on a transparent sheen

A gossamer gown even in it's bare nakedness

That no one wore

A glimmering shimmering hologram

And these songs began to flow

Life plays it's tune
Singing me

Up sometimes
And sometimes down

The emptiness tangos with the fullness
In a dance most sublime

Falling in and through each other

There are still joys and sorrows
Yet they float on by
A river flowing

That heaviness of suffering

And gone that vice like grip
That claustrophobia
Of a drowning man

Flaying desperately to escape the death throes

Along with a one suffering

Even some once intimate relationships
That went askew
Have fallen away

There is tinge of sadness perhaps
Alongside a smile on the lips

But there is no more a longing
For how it could have, should have, been

And no feeling of lack ever surfaces

When the centre where the self stood
Is empty of itself
Is the self

And the need to colour it in

As it appears

Just so

At once empty
At once full

Ah... without each other... where this dance

And she danced herself into the moonlight

And the stars lit her nakedness

Even as the gossamer gown slipped from her shoulders

A nakedness that no one wore

A glimmering shimmering

This most precious jewel
Is you

And before the little grandbabies wake up
And the house is awash with their laughter and chatter and monkey tricks

And would I then escape my tears
And forego this laughter too

The sheer vibrancy of life

And many shut down

So as not to feel
Cut off
A disconnect

Cloistering themselves
In a sanitised sanatorium
Of an un-manifest
Catatonic stupor
As if they were dead
Playing dead

It is very, very different
From the knowing

That one never existed in the first place
To begin with

Laughing and weeping

With the sheer heart breaking beauty
Of this

As it is

Monkey business