Knowing...not-knowing

MAI's picture



Average: 4.8 (4 votes)
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I don’t know anything.

I was beginning to think I knew so much.
I knew too much, even.
Am realizing that I don’t know anything.

The initial reaction is shock.
Almost paralyzing.
Whatever I know, is useless.
The knowing is starting to fall away.

There is an attachment to it.
And the knowing, that I really don’t know anything, causes a feeling of anxiety.
Fear even.

But the feeling of not knowing only deepens.
Nothing to be done, except let the feeling be.
However uncomfortable.

How subtly I’ve allowed myself to be led up this garden path.
Of knowingness.

And now, this.

The rug being yanked out, from under my feet; literally, from under my very sense of being.
Leaving “me”, with no ground to stand upon.
Vaporizing.

Been here before.
In meditation.
In a spontaneous knowing.
Yet, that was comforting.
Glorious, beatific.

It was the knowing, of no-me, that was comforting.

Now this knowingness has left me.
And I feel bereft.
Not knowing anything anymore.
And no way of knowing, whether I’ll be fine or not.
Or how I’ll live without it.

There was a not knowing, before too.
It caused pain, and anxiety and fear.
And seeking.

Till there was a surrender,
An ok, with the not-knowingness.

So I was given this knowingness,
As a gift.

Now this knowingness, is being taken away.
Has been taken away.
And again, its leaving, in its wake,
The same anxiety, and fear and pain.

The “I” claimed this knowingness, as its own.

Now, a gut wrenching ache.
The heart ripped bare.
Torn asunder.
Leaving me, oh so fragile.

Only, now its fine for these feelings to be.

To be my guest, as long as they will.
Am not interested in kicking them out.
They are not un-welcome.
They’ve come of their own accord.
They’ll stay as long as they will,
And leave, when they leave.
Of their own accord.
Am not uncomfortable with it anymore.

Am actually, quite alright with not-knowing.
And all else, that comes with it.

It’s a misty morning.
The mist is a white blanket hovering over the lake.

I fix my morning coffee.

The sun is just begining to pierce this blanket.
The rays turn sharper.
The mist lifts.

I pick up the newspaper, from outside the front door.
Sip my coffee.

All thoughts of
Knowing and not-knowing dispelled.
Like the early morning mist.

A bright, sunny Saturday.



Asanga's picture

A hot cup of coffee on a Saturday morning...

That's all...
Loved this.
Thanks.

I am, yet I am not...

Asanga | Sat, 01/05/2013 - 05:20
MAI's picture

You're welcome

Dear Asanga,
You're welcome.

TRUTH,LOVE,PEACE
MAI

MAI | Sat, 01/05/2013 - 05:48
angel76's picture

You are very brave

You are very brave to be willing to cross this difficult chasm of realizing that you don't know, that knowledge has no significant value from a certain point on.

I know how difficult it is. Some other realizations that usually come along at that point: that maybe all my past efforts and spiritual achievements were futile, that maybe I "wasted much of my time".

At first, the ego is shuttered but then as the ego always does, it finds points of pride in the new failure. These can be: hey, I'm so honest with myself, very few can admit these things, or these realizations are good signs of advancement, and so on. So while being in that realization, it is good to watch the ego.

Lastly, it is always important to attach the "maybe" to these realizations. It make them less shining.

Love.

angel76 | Wed, 01/09/2013 - 09:14
Asanga's picture

Well said

@Angel76

Yes, the ego loves to lay claim to anything to survive - even the grandest medal of all - that of knowing nothing at all...

It is the rare one whose 'ignorance' is one filled with wonder at the infinite play of consciousness...

Aho! Niranjana...

(Oh! I am taintless, Serene - The Marvelous Self! King Janaka expresses his joy of self-realisation on hearing the teachings of Sage Ashtavakra.)

I am, yet I am not...

Asanga | Wed, 01/09/2013 - 15:39
MAI's picture

Thank you angel76 and

Thank you angel76 and asanga.
Very wisely put.
Definately something to watch out for.

TRUTH,LOVE,PEACE
MAI

MAI | Fri, 01/11/2013 - 10:10