The Knots Come Undone

MAI's picture



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In a recent conversation with a friend......

"Can we ignore thought ?"

The "I" thought is the spurious subject, claiming autonomous function, as a separate identity, cutting itself from the whole, the unitary flow, seeing all else as objects, till intuited apperception, of itself, too, as another object. and the bottom falls out of the non-existent subject-object divide........the me and the other.......

It is this "I" thought that would ask the question ......

Thoughts rising spontaneously........no chooser......yet choices happen, naturally.....

I tried for a very long time, to be happy.......

It's not a contrived state........

And it cannot be brought about by manipulating thought, to make it look like anything other than what naturally arises.......the kind of policing that you're referring to, is a resistance to that natural flow.......

In fact very recently, I suddenly became aware of trying to control not only the thoughts that naturally flow, but also the natural feelings that arise, that lead to thought.......trying to control them, specially the ones that really make us squirm and are uncomfortable, and which we try to avoid feeling at any cost.......which is an understatement.......

And it was translating as me trying to control "the other"......believe it or not !!

I was so shocked and stupefied to see the mechanics of this particular knot, coming undone !!

Another person's words and actions, spontaneously led to very distressed feelings within me, which I tried to avoid, { I'd never seen it before ! } by continuously wanting to change / control the other person's behavior, so that I wouldn't feel what I was feeling.........

Also, making "the other", the focus, is often, an unconscious way of deflecting the attention, away from uncomfortable feelings, that arise, spontaneously, not mild or subtle, ones,.........

An avoidance, or inability to accept and acknowledge, such feelings, arising.........

As also an attachment to an "image of oneself" as "never-not-a-happy-person" { or whatever } !!

It's rarely about "the other"...........!!

There's an immense, respect in accepting all aspects, whatever arises, { in us}, without labeling and judging......even "tolerating", or going into blame......which, is the mind's strategy, to distancing oneself, from one's feeling { which are intolerable }........which is how we create a separation, by clinging to an alternate sense of self......a self-image ....!!

These knots begin to untie themselves, or not........in an utterly organic way.....

This day, an incident happened, like it had happened a million times before......

I unwittingly found, my eyes gently closing of their own accord, and the allowing of the painful feeling to come up freely and wash all over me......without trying to control it { which is what I'd been doing, and used to in turn translate into blame / control of the other person.......I'd never realized this before }....

Every cell in my body was vibrating with that energy, as I stood rooted to that spot, for a few minutes........and that captive energy, just slowly, naturally, left......leaving behind an amazing calm......an emptiness......

And within a split -second, I suddenly became aware, as this was going on { it all probably lasted about just a few minutes } that suddenly, mid-sentence, there was silence from the other person, { who's words and actions, I had been attributing the arising of my feelings, to....!! } who a minute ago had been ranting and raving......

We can never be anything other than what we are..........

Oh, all those years, spent, trying to run away from myself......

So utterly human........

The silence was deafening.........

And the amazing nothingness under it all..........

And then, not even that.........

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A good therapist can help the mind become get stabilized in the dream but it is rare to find a man that can dance in both worlds.....

~~Michael Markham