The importance of romantic relationships for self realization

leo's picture

Average: 4.4 (7 votes)

They say experiencing romantic relationship is important for self realization. They are correct!

They say the reason is that romantic relationships enable you to experience love which is so vital for going beyond. They are wrong! Experiencing love is indeed vital for enabling realization but there is hardly any true love in romantic relationships. What you can find in relationships looks similar to love (and therefore confusing) but it is mainly fears-based obsession and ownership.

When you are ready and realization happens, you instantly feel some kind of acute alienation that can be somewhat described as if a complete stranger has become intimate with you. This stranger is no other than the body-mind entity you were identified with, the person you were a moment ago.

Nevertheless, there is a true reason why romantic relationships are important for the enabling of self realization. It is a simpler, more technical reason.

When you are ready and realization happens, you instantly feel some kind of acute alienation that can be somewhat described as if a complete stranger has become intimate with you. This stranger is no other than the body-mind entity you were identified with, the person you were a moment ago. This person does not disappear at once and you find yourself stuck with him as if you have never known him before (which proves to be true in retrospective). It is there with all the terrible flaws of its flesh and blood, with its intrigues and petty maneuvers. This new feeling of estrangement seems trivial but until you experience it you cannot understand how frightening, intrusive, disgusting and uncomfortable it is.

Living intimately with a partner in a romantic relationship over time proves vital in order to prepare for this problematic experience. Some of the most problematic feelings you sometimes have towards this "significant other" you live with are very similar to what you will feel towards this "insignificant other" which used to be "very significant me".

Of course there are other alternatives for enabling yourself for this aspect of the transition. We cannot say romantic relationships are a must for realization to happen. Such a good alternative is, for example, to try to simulate this feeling of estrangement, visualizing someone specific who you perceive as being very repellent and meditate upon it.


PS. In regard to the above mentioned need for preparation, it is important to emphasize due to recent popular new-age misconceptions, that we do have to be actively ready and enabled in order for realization to happen. Realization happens only when you are enabled for it, you have a lot to actively and consciously do, undo and not to do in order to bring realization (as opposed to ignorant half-baked pseudo-Advaitans' claims who confuse absolute truth with relative truth and thus misunderstand the precise meaning of "you are not the doer" etc). Some few are naturally enabled in terms of the scope of this lifetime, most need active conscious preparations. And there are very few unfortunate ones that were not ready and still realization "accidentally" dawned on them and consequently they got stuck in transition - one leg here and one leg there, bliss on one hand and terrible fears on the other - known examples are Suzanne Segal and the "musts" (in Persian: "God intoxicated") whose body-mind representations were located and treated by Meher Baba.

seeker's picture

There's a stranger in my house

I know what you mean - I had a glimpse experience with a similar hard feeling a few years ago - a feeling of estrangement towards... towards what is usually me (and therefore it seems I happen not to regard as an external whole object). I was in a great dismay and shock with a feeling of great annoyance and even disgust towards that foreign body and then I think I fell asleep. I remember that I felt that Tamia's "Stranger in my house" expresses my feeling (though the song was originally written about something else I guess). It was as if a complete stranger with an unfamiliar(my body) ody was suddenly tied to me. You cannot understand the dismay and unease.

So what could it be
Is there someone imitating me?
Could she be taking my place, look me in the face
And tell me that I'm wrong when I say

There's a stranger in my house
Took a while to figure out
There's no way you could be
Who you say you are, you got to be someone else

seeker | Tue, 05/26/2009 - 07:47
carlito santo's picture

Me too

Me too, was terrifying. My guru then said almost exactly the same except he didn't suggest the relationship idea but gave a meditation that enables you to feel again this feelings of great repulsion and loss of intimacy and this way remove the block created by these feelings.

carlito santo | Tue, 05/26/2009 - 22:08
mayasurfer's picture

When realization happens

When realization happens alienation drops, the dream drops and awakening happens. There is no before and after, no you and other... you, the enlightened one and this disgusting intruder. The stranger in your bed is you. AS is the lover by the way. It's the you-story, the you-illusion. As long as this frightening body/mind entity still bothers you, you haven't realized that "you" don't exist, that it is all just a fantasy or a dream labelled "you".. In awakening all division and separation drop away, all time and distance drop away, "you" drop away, the dream drops away. You are obviously not ready to allow this "you" to drop away. You are still clinging to the notion that "you" exist. This disgusting old body/mind "you" will not go away until you realize that it is nothing but a hallucination and face it and embrace it and accept it just as it is and most importantly thank it again and again. Don't push it away it will resist. Don't call it bad names and be so rude to it. No need to be frightened of it. Let it go gently, be kind to it and grateful. Give a little, take a little. And go within, the hallucination of the intruder and the hallucination of "you" will slowly fade. They are the same. All nothing but this dream called "you". Let it go. Surrender.

mayasurfer | Tue, 05/26/2009 - 10:06
shond's picture

Realization is a process

Realization is a process, not an instant transformation as it is mistakenly theorized by goal-targeted conditioned westerners. The process is important and not the end point as it is all that there is.

What a wonderful process though difficult and sometimes long but still a wonderful process.

The wise enjoys the road itself in spite of the stones of fears with no aims to realize, the fool aims at realization and will aim forever but will be left with speculations only.

shond | Wed, 05/27/2009 - 06:01
Phroggy's picture


There is only realization. The "process" is just a game mind uses to avoid the obvious and convince itself it's getting somewhere. There's nowhere to go and nothing to accomplish. You already are that which you seek. The process is about exhausting the seeking.

Phroggy | Wed, 05/27/2009 - 07:56
lagrima's picture

Wrong assumption

You assume that all are in spirituality because they seek something, because they aim at enlightenment. This is incorrect.

The most remarkable people I met on the spiritual way were those who were there because they simply enjoyed it, because of what Meher Baba calls the whim. Like those who are in a love relationship because they celebrate love and not for the sake of getting married, bringing children to the world etc.

The process therefore is the only thing that truly exists and the joy of this process is the only thing that can matter. Be in spirituality for the joy and excitement of the now, forsake any hypothetical objectives in the future.

lagrima | Wed, 05/27/2009 - 17:47
Surya Kumar Mishra's picture

romantic relationship - a lateral thought

we know that at sahasrar has + polarity and mooladhar has -ve polarity.
when you join these two by pranayama, after due alignment of the magnetc elements ( molecules ), you have romance.
A person who achieve this romance in his own body is bound to realise God.

OM tat sat !!!

Surya Kumar Mishra | Sun, 05/08/2011 - 09:51