Hope is such a stubborn, stubborn thing

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Hope is so stubborn isn't it? In all my 22 years I have not know anything so determined to prolong human suffering. Hope is when you desire a situation to be as you want it. Its something that we all do, all the time.

You hope to enjoy the next sip of your cup of coffee. The till operator from wherever it is you bought the coffee beans from hopes to NOT spend the rest of their life behind that counter. Jacob Zuma probably hopes to pull a "Robert Mugabe" on the South African people. I hope to marry two beautiful latin women and live forever in matrimonial ecstasy.

I honestly think hope is some kind of approved psychosis, an incredibly powerful but highly toxic drug; which we are encouraged to consume in copious amounts.

Worse still we've been taught And we LOVE it! We really do! We all love to roll the die against Karma
You could have a situation where the facts on the ground all point in one direction, towards one outcome; but hope will have running full speed in the opposite direction.

Anyway the reason I'm typing all of this is because is because I find myself in a situation you are all familiar with: Brothers and sisters, I am an irredeemable addict; I just can't kick the hope habit.

Seeing as how most of you reading this are most probably hope addicts as well, I'm sure you can't see how this is a problem. Allow me to shed light on the situation.

Having looked at my life up until this point, my actions during which and the consequences thereof; suicide has become the only reasonable option. With this logical conclusion in mind and at heart I have, on multiple, occasions sought to execute said suicide.

Most unfortunately the biggest obstacle I face is (surprisingly not the fear of death, but) my stubborn addiction to hope. With needle in hand, blade at my wrist, poison at my lips or noose around my neck I cannot help but hope.

Hope for what you might ask?
Not sure really, its different every time:
-Maybe that girl and I would fall in love if I choose to live longer
-Maybe a solution will appear if I work on this thing just a little longer
-Maybe I wont let my family down
-Maybe I can walk away from this with my self respect
-Maybe there's something incredible waiting for just outside the door if take this plastic bag off before i pass out......

And on and on. Hope is so spiteful a drug that it will conjure any idea of what you could achieve or have one day, just to keep you alive just long enough to take more of hope.

And you know whats even worse? What ever it is that hope has promised you is never there. Now some of you may be inclined to say something like the future is in you hands! Or Take heart young fellow, anything is possible with God or some other similar romanticism.

I suppose that is true or at least I hope it is (this is right here, is essentially my problem). But its getting really hot in this kitchen. Much has been wasted that otherwise would not have been had I not given in to hope 8 months ago. I would not have be in this situation had I never hoped to begin with. I hoped to soar, I led others to hope with me. I leaped, but i fell short. Now I fall, in my continued folly I even hope survive the fall; yet in moments of sanity i know this to be wishful thinking.

This isn't what I intended to be. This blog entry I mean. My intention was to vent at hope, life and god himself. Then take advantage of the emotional turmoil writing all of this would bring up and finally end this charade.

Now I don't know. I just don't know. Either way the end is near. I have done all I can. I have given all I can and then broke sacred trusts so I could give even more, but no joy. Hope is a selfish thing, never giving so much as a hooker's smile despite your giving it everything you've got. God, hope, life, destiny; I mean all of them when I say that. In this post all of the above are inter changeable with with hope.

Is life hard or am I just a very stupid man? Having typed all of this, that's all I can think about right now. An honest answer might be the push I need.

Should I even post this? The last thing I need is addicts trying to pull me back into the habit. I'll post it I guess, dont want to admit what I hope to achieve by doing so. Hopefully (there i go again, goddamn it) I'll get responses that will only validate my hate of hope.