Fountain of Grace

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"Once the essential emptiness of the self is apperceived.......the centre can no longer hold. A natural process, or shift in perspective, begins ...."~~MM
A few years... even before the essential emptiness of self was apperceived... the no-self as many refer to it as... there were many an insight and revelations which were already beginning bit by bit, to subtly crack up the solidity of the self and my world-view... unbeknown to me
As spontaneously as they arose... just as easily did they slip slide away
There had been an intellectual understanding seeping in for years
Mostly insights like there is no such thing like time and space... and other little nuggets
It was all just bubbling up
I'd not read anything... nor heard of it from anywhere previously... nor spoken of it to anyone
I'd share a wee bit occasionally with my dear friend "Aunty"... though
When these insights would pop up... it was like drowning in an effervescent glass of bubbling champagne
I would almost pass out
Dear Aunty and me would laugh about it
She'd say... it's like being drunk without drinking a sip of sake
And we'd giggle some more
It was a heady woolly feeling of all the screws falling lose from the head....!
It would be quite a few years
Before the shift
Yet at the time, it felt like being at a birthday party... festooned with a gazillion colourful balloons
Like being Alice in Wonderland...!!
Like being in an enchanted garden
Even as one by one
It all kept slipping away
And I found that it didn't make any difference to the existential angst.. and life still continued just the same... even as these insights came and went... wonderful as they were
Yet... I don't know... what it was... life was the same and not the same anymore
The existential angst continued
It is difficult to describe... for even as life remained the same... boy oh boy... it wasn't the same anymore
I couldn't put my finger or it... not that I ever tried to... but something deep inside me was getting all shook up
Freebies... I'd later call them
Free glimpses
Like a precursor to a honeymoon
Even before the insights began to unfold
"The heliocentric perspective is replaced by an omnicentric overview..."~~MM
Having previously, for years... having tried everything the "mind" could think of, to fix my life... none of which worked
At that point...I had absolutely no interest in "fixing" my life!!!
And the seeing of the no-self came as a bolt from the blue
Nothing can prepare you for nothing
And this emptiness
This fullness
So sublime
So embraced
This
Just as it is
Pieces of me die
Fall away
Leaving an empty space
And no sense of lack, arises, nor fear
Nor the need to fill
So full already to the brim
Nor any need to fix it
Nor a looking for the next moment
No tomorrow
Nor a better
Or different, way of being
All hopes... the future
Ideas
Free fall
Awesomeness
And it matters not what this looks or feels like
The most intimate embrace
And a strange joy, flows through the heart, broken wide open
And tears
Of the sheer beauty of this
How life does itself
This
A fountain of grace
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