Exquisite Whispers of Breath

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Truth... ahhhh... yes!!

25 or 27 years ago, I landed at my guru's feet, looking for Truth !!

Oh man, I had no idea, what that was, or even why I was asking... !!!!!!

I had no idea that I was a seeker

"Spiritual" maybe... haha... but not a seeker

Not knowing there was not even nothing under the swirling swishing garment of self... this emptiness... not even knowing it was all make belief... a mental fabrication... there's no recollection of ever having felt fear

How could there have been?

It all felt so solid... "real"

There was not even a whisper of suspicion

I was not even aware I was seeking

Most seekers have no idea what they're looking for
Or even that it is an idea

It all started very innocently with a something's not right kinda feeling

Or rather
This is not the way it "should" be

Ideas upon ideas

The beginnings of a nagging discontent
Perhaps

Or a rebellion
A conflict

Against desires
Of others
To fit into expected moulds

Or a desire
Of my own
To find a fit
Into a mould

Whose ideas of a self were they....

I simply couldn't say

Yet that's who we are
These ideas of self

And by joves
It'll never be any other way

For if a let go would happen
It would all collapse

And along with it
A me and a you

Straight laced
Or wild

It's ideas all the way

In retrospect... after the fact
Who knows... what it was

This push-pull

It began to feel like a caged bird

A stranglehold

A loss of innocence

How spontaneously the lines begin to form

No... I wasn't aware of any fear

In fact the seeing through the no self was utterly blissful

The nothingness and every thingness

Spread everywhere and nowhere

The vast expanse
Where I lost myself
And was nowhere to be found

Yet at the end... when the fullness rushed in
It had been seeping in slowly over the years
In a tsunami the house of cards was inundated

I wept

Silent tears of blood

There was nowhere left to go

I guess that was becoming evident over the preceding years

Though there was some holding on to a... "no way... it can't end like this... where did that bliss go... and what the heck was all that seeing of the no self all about then...?"

It was like the whole thing had been just another charade

But I was no way prepared for that sudden hole in the heart

That sinking feeling

And my heart broke

Is it this very nothingness, we unknowingly fear?

And then, there's not even that

Yet almost simultaneously I was overtaken by a sublime quiescence... a peace... and the word doesn't even begin to convey the utter rest

Never expected that either

The weightiness on my shoulders slipped

The gown slipped to the floor

Resplendent

That nakedness

But there was still the sneaky suspicion that if everything that had preceded this was a charade

Then this was too

This awakening as I called it

I'd never heard the word shift

Tears

And it was

And that shattered me more than it's possible to even put in words

For about 3 months post that

I'd lie awake all night

Devils talking in my head

As all the past horrors and memories seared through me relentlessly

Leaving me a bloody wreck

Slowly it all began to dissipate

And a dispassion if I can even call it that, took over

The memories were there

But the accompanying chemical waterfall had left

And an amazing lightness descended

That I'd never felt before

And the sheer relief
Oh my!

And a joy... that I couldn't pin down with any word

It had just blended in with the sorrow
And I could no longer tell them apart

And it's never left in all these years since

I knew I was done

It's been 7 years now

Beginning of June in fact

Easy enough to remember as I walked out

Of the only life I'd ever known... up until then
From the time I was 16 or 17

A life of could have been

Ideas of perfection

A lifetime of pretence

Of the should have been

Ought to be

The heart breaking longing

So that life could look just so

Chasing my own tale
All over the place

Tears

Of dreams
And shattered dream after shattered dream

As idea after idea came crashing down

Of what life should look like

It turned up looking like anything at all

And I was left
Romancing the swoon

The feet crossed the threshold of the door

With nary a look back

Sliding over easy

And there was no door left
Nor outside nor in

The seeing of the no self had happened almost a couple of decades before that
And in the time lapse... simply could not be unseen once seen

Yet in those 20 odd years... I longed for the mirage to disappear

But the self kept playing itself out
Singing it's song

And it felt realer than real
Even though I knew there was no solidity to it

I simply could not wish it away... and it sure jarred the bliss I had felt

I wasn't even trying to get that bliss back or anything

Just the way it was playing itself out... leaving me quite flummoxed... baffled... doubting my own sanity

And of course there was that underlying feeling that I'd gotten somewhere... but not quite

The fullness rushing in at the end was preceded by the personal Armageddon

And boy oh boy!!

Was that a bloody affair

There had been a ripping and shredding before
That led to the seeking

And that was painful beyond measure too

Yet this time around
It felt just right

The tiger at the throat

There was simply no resistance

The mind somehow, lost all ability to grasp on to any meanings... that quantify, qualify....!!!

This quantum soup, this homogeneous, undifferentiated whole...

Not separated by bits and pieces
Sewn up

Like knitted patterns in the clouds

Giving any meanings to things and words

Just a seamlessness

It's an emptiness, I cannot describe, a fullness, that is beyond even the mind's understanding of the word....!!!

Words pour out... without intent
They fly where they fly
And land, when spent

Evaporating into the ethers

Within the thought stream... the entire play

Ah

So utterly fragile, simple, vulnerable, tender

Laid bare, cut open

And no one left to be bound
Or free

And the gentle wind blows through the spaces
Spinning gentle tunes

Little twinkling starlight

Un-capture able moments of life

Here... here

Gone... gone

Exquisite

Whispers of breath