Episode 7,Descent into alcoholism ,journey to Canada,dreams of Prabhupada.

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A week or so after his "death," I had the most amazing and vivid dream of him;I was at a friends house and there was a knock on the door,I went to answer it and there was Tirthapada,the same face and form,but he was now made of a shimmering silvery/golden light,from head to toe,he reached out to embrace me and although no longer of a physical substance,I felt this light coursing through me as I embraced him and I filled with ecstasy and laughter!

A wonderful dream and he was obviously letting me know,he was still very much alive-even more so,if anything!

Spiritually,I understood these things,but emotionally and psychologically,I struggled and felt traumatised.
Although,I hate alcohol,I found myself drinking a bottle of wine every day for a few months,afterwards.It was a miserable time and I started to fall into a deep depression,I felt lonely and unable to express the depths of grief and confusion within me.

I spent much of that year in a haze of alcohol and then a canadian godsister offered me a ticket to attend a gathering in Cannada and I decided I had to go.I had wanted to visit Canada ever since I was a child,for some reason.

I left everything behind,my flat,my 2 black cats(who I never saw again)and left for a new adventure.
As soon as I arrived at Vancouver airport,I felt a surge of familiarity as I stood on that ground-I believe I have had a past life in that region as a native-american.

I attended the gathering on Salt Spring Island and then decided to stay on in Canada and visit someone who had invited me to stay in Vancouver.
I had felt a strong connection with this beautiful young girl-Shellina,who actually rather reminded me of Tirthapada to look at.Interestingly enough she began a relationship with the son of Tirthapadas betrayed 2nd wife and they looked after me so well,even though both only 21yrs old at the time.
They shared everything they had,fed me and sheltered me.

We all ended up staying at another of Tirthapadas canadian followers,who was a gay chap and an absolute character-to say the least!

Ganga(Shellinas boyfriend),had deeply loved Tirthapada and also took LSD.One morning we took some and he said "Lets go to the temple for Mangala-Arti,which is the early morning woship and prayers!
Initially,I was horrified at the idea of attending an ISKCON temple under the influence of LSD,but he assured me it was the best thing ever and we trecked across Vancouver in the early hours,arriving there in time for the 4.30 am greeting of the deities and chanting.

I was a bit nervous but as Ganga seemed so confident it was okay,I stood in the beautiful temple room and watched as the curtains opened to reveal the exsquisitely beautiful deities of Radha-Krishna(Radha-Madhana-Mohana).

I can barely even begin to describe how the colours,the little rainbow fountains on either side of the altar and the utterly enchanting forms of Radha-Krishna appeared to me in my state of heightened awareness and I looked across at Ganga,who smiled knowingly and blissfully at me!

I loved the vancouver temple and met many wonderful souls there.We attended regularly-though not always under the influence of LSD,I must add!

During this period,whilst staying at the gay devotees place,I had a couple of incredibly vivid dreams of Srila Prabhupada(The founder of the ISKCON movement).

In the first one,he appeared from behind the most beautiful,ornate golden doorway and he was the same moulten gold colour himself and came down a golden stairway-all seemed to be of the same golden substance.

He was holding a rolled up scroll,in his hands and was approaching me!I saw him coming and thought,"Oh,no Srila Prabhupada is going to chastise me for not following the regulative principles and being a bad devotee!"and I panicked and started to run away from him!
Suddenly,I heard the warmest,most affectionate and very amused chuckle from Prabhupada!"Come here,Govinda-Mohini" he said,"I have something to give you!"

I tentatively,walked towards him,and he looked into my eyes with such love and humour,that I stopped fearing him.

He then handed me the scroll,telling me it was new instructions for the devotees and I was to make copies and give them to everyone.
I unrolled,the scroll,only to find it was completely blank!
I looked at him rather bemusedly and he asked me "whats the matter,cant you type?" I answererd "No.Prabhupada" and he told me "Never mind,just use two fingers!" and smiling warmly left me,as he went back up the golden stairway and back through the ornate golden doorway.

Im sure this dream could be open to many different interpretations but on a more personal level,I felt he was blessing my writing ambitions and I felt strengthened and uplifted and that he had recognised and acknowledged a purity in me,that I was unaware of,at the time.I,also felt,greatly loved by him,despite my many faults and shortcomings.

I think I will leave the next dream for another blog as that one really was very profound and symbollic and I will need more space than I have here to relate it.

I loved Canada and met some wonderful souls there and I no longer touched alcohol as my journey absorbed all my energy and took me away from the circumstances which had created that particular addiction.

I spent 10mths there and suffered a fair amount of hardship,but on the whole,it was a remarkable adventure.



avi's picture

I love your posts, honest

I love your posts, honest and inspiring.

avi | Wed, 01/06/2010 - 18:01