Episode 5, The aftermath, abandonment, confusion, Glastonbury.....

hmmm's picture

Average: 4.6 (5 votes)

The Cornwall days came to an end and most of the devotees,left for Nepal with Tirthapada and his wife.
Somehow,I got left behind,I guess my defiant nature and stance wasnt considered desirable!

After all the dramatic events and LSD etc,I was in quite a bad state and felt abandoned,wondering where my so called spiritual "brothers and sisters"had disappeared to,in my hour of need.I still felt a powerful inner connection to Tirthapada,but other than that felt incredibly alone.
I was homeless and my elder brother,who was selling his house in Basingstoke,allowed me to stay there a few months,until it was sold.
I had a bit of time and space to contemplate everything there but I became very depressed and felt devastated by the way Id been treated by some of the tribe.I had taken on board all the critisism and condemnation,because I was vulnerable and lacked self-esteem and felt an intense shame and self-loathing,which later manifested as an eating disorder.
My brothers house sold and I found myself travelling constantly between London and my mothers home in Manchester.
On one of these coach journeys,I was befriended by an Osho disciple(Mohana)who became a loyal friend and seemed very concerned by my condition.He told me I was a goddess and not to listen to those who spoke negatively of me.He made me healing soups and herbal potions and was very respectful to my mother when he met her!

Tirthapada would visit England regularly-his first wife and son were here and he had many friends and followers here also.I longed to just be able to have a heart to heart chat with him but there were always so many souls buzzing around him,so that never happened.
He had been drawn to the town of Glastonbury and had had visions of it as a place of great spiritual potency and he hoped to set up a healing temple there at some point.
So,he asked some of his followers,including myself to settle in the area and I made my way there in 1983/4.
I stayed with friends of another disciple in neighbouring town Street,in Somerset and loved the greeness and surrounding countryside.

The couple I stayed with were very hospitable and kind to me,but I believe I was starting to develop an eating disorder,whilst living there and would wake in the night and go and raid the fridge,which began to annoy them!

I had to leave and went from one temporary home to another,facing eviction after eviction,which left me feeling very insecure and unsettled but I managed to survive.Tirthapada,wife and some select followers were by then living in California,and I wished I could join them.
I moved into a cattle farming lady's house for a short time and it was while I was there that I developed full blown bulimia nervosa,and found myself gorging on ridiculous amounts of food and then making myself sick.I didnt realise it was a recognised medical condition and just thought I had gone mad and turned into this disgusting wild animal like creature who devoured food uncontrollably!

I also went to visit some devotees in Bournemouth,one of whom put me on an extreme detox diet of vegetable juices and sending me to the bathroom for coffee enaemas.This regime actually worsened my bulimia and I went back sicker than ever,basically!

During this nightmare period in my life,I felt more alone than ever and there was so much pain and inner turmoil to deal with.One night I dreamt about Tirthapada-who was in California,he came into the scene looking extremely concerned about me and threw himself onto the ground imploring me with great feeling to "please stop hurting yourself!"
From this vivid dream,I felt he was aware,even from a distance,what I was suffering from.When he visited Glastonbury shortly afterwards,we were having the customary feast of vegetarian food and I noticed he was watching me as I played around with my food,my stomach in a thousand knots,unable to enjoy eating any more.
I saw such pain in his eyes,such compassion.Suddenly,he began to eat every mouthful with great enthusiasm and relish,saying mmmm!as he tasted it-the other disciples and folk there seemed bemused by his behaviour,and then he looked directly into my eyes and stated,"the trick is,just to love every mouthful!"
Everyone laughed,but only I knew what and why he was behaving that way,at that point!Something about the way he said those words unknotted those knots,dissolved the guilt,I had somehow attached to food and other sensual pleasures and released me from the terrible grip of this terribly,sad disorder.
I was pretty much cured of it that day,his understanding of the psychological/emotional causes,translated itself to me and his compassion flooded my soul!It was extraordinarily personal and I suddenly felt I wasnt so alone after all!

I cannot help but be deeply indebted to this beautiful soul for the way he lifted me out of that pit of self-loathing.

I realised it was okay to love food!Fasting?Not for me!Iwas allowed to enjoy all the wonderful,delicious gifts of Mother Earth,as long as I took it in with love and gratitude!No more guilt,which was toxic and caused me digestive problems!Just love.I do love eating and am so glad my guru,set me free in that way!

So simply and so profoundly.

Looking back I can see how bulimia is often about a huge emotional hunger,an emptiness so great, that even all the food in the world couldnt fill it!Amongst the british and spirital people and lifestyles, there is often a coldness,a void where emotional exchanges,seem almost non exsistant.
Sometimes,to me that seems wrong,unhealthy and fake!I believe that Princess Diana also experienced that same kind of desperate emotional hunger when living with the Royal Family who pretty much epitomise emotional repression and denial,really!

I would like to write more on that subject,but had better return to my story!Im reaching the end of this chapter and will continue with next episode,soon.

samsara's picture

Enjoing your blog posts so

Enjoing your blog posts so much, thank you dear.

samsara | Sat, 12/26/2009 - 22:28
kulchnaui's picture

You had quite difficult

You had quite difficult circumstances in life. It is amazing how you managed to face them and go on, it's really admirable, I feel that power in your voice and I guess thirapada or some other entity was constantly caring for you beyond the help when he was in your physical proximity (like with the eating), otherwise it is impossible to understand how you survived all that.

I have a question: all these travelings of Thirapada and the followers and daily living - where did the money come from? It seems like none of you was working at that time, right? I always wondered how all the teachers and groups manage to maintain themselves financially. I am not saying this out of criticism at all.

btw, r u still in friendship with Mohana?

kulchnaui | Mon, 12/28/2009 - 23:55
hmmm's picture

Thank you..

Hi Kulchnaui-what is the origin of that lovely name?
Thanks for your comments and questions.Yes,my life has been difficult in alot of ways,but it seems I have tremendous inner strength,which,I probably wouldnt have realised without all these challenges to overcome.

I am always happy to answer any questions-if I know the answers!Some of Tithapadas followers sold art work to raise finances and one of his older disciples,who was wealthy,also contributed to his gurus cause,I believe.
It was always a struggle on that level,though and my guru shared in that with us.
I lost touch with Mohana when I moved to Glastonbury in 1984.He was a true friend and wellwisher-I have always found human angels and helpers along the way,thank God!

hmmm | Tue, 12/29/2009 - 12:01