Is dependant acceptance enough?

avi's picture

Average: 4.9 (8 votes)

Great pain, I accept you, I renounce any direct resistance. I surrounder.

But not totally.

If I say that I accept you totally it will be a lie. And I don't believe I can fool you.

I do have this tacit wish to eliminate you.

There are those who say that acceptance must be total otherwise it is not acceptance.

That it cannot be dependent on anything.

That acceptance motivated by a wish to eliminate the pain is just a sophisticated way to actually resist the pain.

They are right.

But I found out that accepting a pain totally may freeze the painful situation for ever. That at some point a decisive action is required.

Indeed, there is no harm in the freezing of the painful situation because when you totally accept a pain, you are indifferent to whether it is there or not. But even though I'm indifferent to the pain, if I can eliminate it then why not to do so? It is still better not to have the pain than having the pain, even if I don't care of or am not bothered by it that much anymore.

I found out that dependent acceptance is also very effective. I accept you, pain, but I warn you: through this acceptance I will make you weaker and weaker until you are weak enough for my will power to break you, to eliminate you, to switch you off, to kiss you goodbye, my friend.

Yes, I know, limiting my acceptance to a dependent one will trigger more tricks from your side. More sophisticated ones. Well, I will have to be more attentive in this battle to spot any trick you come up with and handle it.

Pain, I hope you respect my honesty. What thing there is to respect other than honesty?

I think it is better to have things in full disclosure.

davids's picture


An interesting perspective. I need to think about it. The complete acceptance works no doubt but if we can be more relaxed and settle on acceptance together with the motive to eliminate the observed pain then it sounds more effective and less radical. I will try this more to see.

davids | Mon, 10/19/2009 - 22:14
kulchnaui's picture

Tactically accept, strategically eliminate

When our acceptance is total, a magic happens: we are brought to the now in a radical way and are present. It's a different quality of being.

The reason may be that the pain is obviously what is now, when we do not accept, when we fight the pain, we are carried out in the fight from the what is, from the now. We do not acknowledge the now and therefore cannot be present.

My motto is do whatever you can in the present to accept but do not turn the accepted pain into a religion. Accept and then go on and let things evaporate.

kulchnaui | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 06:42
Tania's picture

Only after you master the art of total acceptance!

Awareness and acceptance are a work of art. Behind these generic terms hides a carefully crafted conduct that sometimes it takes years to tune it so that the process will be effective.

We know that we do it right when we feel a considerable relief, sometimes from a painful emotion that chases us for years.

Only after you master the art of total acceptance and only after your mind is weak enough, only then you can apply dependant acceptance in a way that it works.

Do not rush to this shortcut until you are very well established in true and complete acceptance which means that you truly and wholeheartedly accept the possibility that the painful emotion is here for you for ever.

Tania | Wed, 10/21/2009 - 16:15
dan77's picture

Uniquely honest

It is such a pleasure to come across a honest spiritual text, one that admits our limitations and that does not escape to convenient dogmas and theories. Indeed, acceptance has so many pitfalls and the first step in overcoming these pitfalls is to acknowledge them.

I think that the following saying is true also to the case of acceptance:

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

dan77 | Sun, 07/14/2013 - 13:50