Deep painful jealousy

george's picture



Average: 4.8 (5 votes)
ExplodingHead.jpg

Thank you God, thank you for the deep painful jealousies you have implanted in me.

This is not another Christian-like pseudo-unconditional gratitude to God. I really mean it.

Anyone who ever experienced a deep painful jealousy, not just a regular casual one, a sustained explosive jealousy that can wound critically, anyone who ever experienced such a feeling of jealousy knowns that it is not something to thank God for.

I thank God not for giving to me this feeling itself per se but actually for the realization it leads to.

For years I simply suffered when a jealousy popped in, struggling with it, trying to rational in order to refute the basis of the jealousy, trying to escape it, hating badly the object of jealousy.

Jealousy of peers who have succeeded more than me, jealousy of friends who earned more, jealousy of the better looking and the better speaking, jealous of you-name-it.

And then I happened to come across the concept of "acceptance", the terribly-simple yet terribly-powerful method of observing an emotion without resisting, without trying to fight it as we are conditioned to do.

And poof, for the first time, the suffering inflicted by the jealousies perished instantly in a big bang. The switch was so intense, as intense as the suffering inflicted by the jealousy before. The jealousy may was still there but without the resistance, it wasn't me that was feeling it, there was no relation between me and the jealousy and there was therefore no suffering. There was suddenly a buffer, a separation.

Each time I experience a jealousy nowadays (and it is, of course, much more rarely than in the old days before acceptance) and consequently decides consciously to cease resisting it and instead to allow it fully, to accept it, I keep being overwhelmed and surprised by the intensity of the sudden separation and the consequent instant stoping of any discomfort or suffering.

The reason for the repeated overwhelming and surprise is forgetfulness of the experience. The mind tends to forget this incredible experience since it does not adhere to the mind's ordinary conditioned repertoire.

I thank God for giving me the opportunity over and over again to realize in direct experience and remember again the magical power of acceptance, to witness that the experiencer is not me, to witness that magic exists.



not_me's picture

The power of acceptance

I can relate to what you wrote. I had the same experience but with other types of painful emotions. The power of acceptance is felt super strongly when we cease resisting a super strong feeling. There is indeed this separation you mention, you feel the sudden relief, there is even a smile that appears on your face. One cannot mistaken this.

not_me | Fri, 07/20/2012 - 12:42
Isha's picture

Test of love maybe George?

So glad you felt it and dealt with it like a true man of God. I admire you, your test from God. Jealousy, if not kept to self should be dealt with humility; because it is a personal feeling. Even though it is childlike, it can destroy the object (person) jealous of, despite the goodness and friendship offered you by him; because only an evil coward could demonstrate his worth to others by destroying someone else. But your childlike innocence is still preserved.

Isha | Sun, 08/05/2012 - 21:49