Cherry Blossoms Blowing In The Wind

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Life simply does itself

Doing and undoing itself simultaneously

Much as one would like to claim volition
I can't seem to find any volition, at all
In any of it

And there I was 34 years old...

Living a normal family life bringing up 2 young children.

Then life as I knew it, suddenly out of the blue, collapsed !!

Oh... it had been collapsing for a few years before that...

But unsuspectingly... there I was..."fixing it"

Fixing that, which was never broke...

Having tried everything the "mind" could think of, to fix my life... none of which worked... found myself at the ashram of my mother's guru... didn't know who else to turn to... but also knew that another human being, could not be of any help.

There was already an internal understanding that the guru, was not a person

That there was no one there

Within a couple of years, my time with the guru too, was up

It collapsed on itself
The seeker and the sought

By the time I reached the feet of my guru...
I had absolutely no interest in "fixing" my life!!!

All I wanted was to know what the TRUTH was...
Whatever that meant.

I had absolutely no idea what I was asking for

Growing up, studying in convents with Irish nuns and priests... would gravitate quite naturally, towards the chapel

I would sit quietly for hours...

So spontaneous this proclivity, and propensity of my early years...!!!

What seems so apparent to some, that this life is doing itself, without any one doing or not doing... seems so utterly, ridiculous and impossible... to others

They are absolutely convinced

Some people, have had the sense of self, fall away, some, not

Both are concepts

Not that one is a concept and the other God's eternal truth...

Hahaha

Getting caught up in what "Truth" looks or feels like tends to give the feeling that we've finally got it, captured it, grasped it

Both this and that

And nothing at all

Inseparable in itself, as this or that

And as such beyond the mind's grasp !!

And yet...

I found myself at the guru's feet... various circumstances having led me to be placed there, along with thousands of other devotees.

One just sat quietly in "Darshan"...

Spontaneous meditation, happened, taking me into deep states of natural Samadhi, without any effort or any previous practice...!!

The guru, took his darshan rounds
Sometimes stopping in front of me
Sometimes a smile
Some times a piercing look, that seared through the very fabric of my being

Never a word was exchanged on the outside

No, what to do...
No, what to be...
No, how to be...

Nothing

There were public discourses, of course, generally directed at the crowd of a few thousands, at any given time

I never heard a word

Revelations were happening from within
A cauldron on the boil
Spilling over

Yet in the let go, of the identification with this sense of self

The grasping on to the other identity, of "I am this all pervading consciousness"

One can only look back and view it as an organic movement...
A natural ripening

Painful as the process was, because the movement of grasping {onto any identity as I, no matter how gross-as body, or how subtle-as consciousness, which also by the way leads one to believe that there has been a transcendence, of sorts... oh my, oh my !! }, naturally had it's fall out

Till the handhold on the handholds fell through
And the one grasping, with it

The seeker dissolved
The search played itself out
Willy-nilly

One was never told or warned, about any of this
In fact there weren't any directives at all....!!!

I'd never heard of any of this
Nor had ever read anything about it

No goal {as Enlightenment } was ever projected as something to be reached, by the guru.

Though of course there was always loose talk of Moksha, as some ultimate state, being bandied around by the devotees... and am pretty sure none of them had a clue as to what that looked or felt like, or whether they'd even recognise it even if it was staring them in the face !!

This universality
This intuited unicity
The undivided, undifferentiated wholeness!!

But nobody ever tells you that this NO-THING, is in- separable from it's reflection as apparently fragmented, apparently separate, EVERY-THING, ness !!!

This process is an automatic untying of all the knots, the dismantling of everything and nothing

Literally coming undone
Of what was never there

Funny that...

I don't think, the spiritual gurus are trying to keep mum about this aspect

They know there's nothing to tell

They're not leading you anywhere

There's no place to get to

In fact even when the mind-made construct of the "self", crumbles to ash... it's not as if it vaporizes into thin air

There was nothing there to begin with

This conundrum is also something else the mind cannot wrap itself around

In fact when seen that the mind pretty much can't wrap itself around anything

The attempts to cling
The grasping of the mind, by the mind, loosens it's stranglehold

A let go

Without fear of there being no grip

Cherry blossoms blowing in the wind