Bird Song-pt 3

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cont..

Suddenly, one day, something cracked.
There was a deep feeling of LOVE that arose...gushing out of that crack. I was weeping uncontrollably. Tears were streaming down my face , unabashedly. It seemed my heart would burst, in fact it just had. I cried and cried and cried...all the while this deep deep love just gushing forth from within me...

{ To quote Leonard Cohen who sings:
“There's a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.” }

And then a quiet settled in.

So silently, so suddenly, I didn't really notice it.
A split second and there was no more me.
Beyond all thought,
An emptiness,
A void,
No me,
No Swami.
No separation.
JUST NOTHINGNESS.
YET SIMULTANEOUSLY A SENSE OF BEING EVERYTHING.
EVERONE.
ALL ENCOMPASSING.
Nothing or no-one special.
In fact, so ordinary,
In its recognition of the universal,
That the understanding came, that the specialness,
Was the personal when separated from the universal.
In the universality, the “I” dropped away.
It certainly wasn’t a case of any meritrocacy.
Its everyone’s natural state.
Grace is the best I can describe it.
Now I'm putting it into a language, and the words sound empty, and futile- like trying to describe the sweetness of sugar ! How to even begin to describe a non- experience...
That happened to a no-body !
Yet that was what it was.
Nothing happened to a me...in fact it was the absence of a me...that brought the NOTHINGNESS AND THE EVERYTHINGNESS UP !
No thought, of even a nothingness or everythingness appeared.

Indivisible, indefinable.....

That really leaves me with ....what can I possiblly say...??
That's the best I can describe it.
I sat there for I know not how long after that, probably an hour or so.

And almost simultaneously out of the blue, ..Swami had not come out yet...He started speaking.
It was a massive influx/emergence...had no way of telling .. of knowledge.
Swami came out, did his darshan round and I JUST SAT THERE STUPIFIED. He came to where I was sitting, gave me a piercing look that literally went through me like an arrow, gently smiled and moved away.
The continuous download kept happening non- stop.
He started appearing in my dreams and waking visions, talking in Telegu his local language, which I didn't know a word of. I would ask my neighbour, who spoke the language, to translate..
A sudden seeing of auras started happening...
Telepathy, clairvoyance...
The fragrant smell of vibhuti { the sacred ash, which is Swami's prasadam } filled my nostrils, and when I looked around me to see where it was coming from, {perhaphs someone in darshan line was carrying a packet...} I'd find everyone sitting with their eyes closed.
Till I realised it was rising up from within me...
My mother hearing of this told me that my intuitive powers were strong so I should develop them.
I burst out laughing. I have no clue how this has all happened, I told her. It’s not as if I have a formula...if I did, I could think of developing it. There is nothing that " I " am doing. It was all happening so spontaneously.
It happens as long as it happens.
It lasted a few years.
And not without me, sometimes doubting, whether “I was losing it”…..!!!
And as it started, spontaneously, so it stopped, spontaneously.
I continued to go for darshan for a few more years after that. And one day that stopped too.
And over the last 18 years or so...
Events still continue to happen in my personal life..
Some joyful, some painful...
I laugh with joy and cry with pain..
BUT THERE IS A CORE THAT IS BEYOND THE REACH OF ANYTHING...
IT RUNS SILENTLY...HOLDING EVERYTHING GENTLY...AND LETTING GO..
While at some level the threads of the fabric I call " my life " , ARE BEING SLOWLY PULLED AWAY..UNRAVELLED...
And a new fabric being knit.
{ The old wiring, I'm guessing, being replaced with new conditioning :-) }
And all is well with the world as it is.
Looking back, not one thing was out of place, not one person, not one event...
The most horrible years of my life were also the most beautiful and blessed...I just created the separation, so as to savour both.
At one with myself I now walk in life...

P.S. Aunty too passed away , 3 months after Swami left his body.

And all the while, I go about my daily chores..
Children, 4 grandchildren, husband, mother, brothers and their families, friends, strangers, you , gurusfeet family..the world at large...

I guess , dear X, you've just triggered a sharing....

Monica
{ MAI }

From: X...
To: MAI

Dear Monica,
Everything in Life is intertwined in the fabric of Experience; be it good or bad...all a precious lesson to enrich our lives. That thought-less State of total Peace; that "Nothingness"; yet "I":- is the only Entity that exist. That "Void" or "Emptiness":- yet full of Life. That silent inner flowing stream of Stillness:- yet living the daily in chaos of normal chores....Yes, that feeling of "Ahhhh, that's Life...that smile ...
The experience should be shared for those who are looking for an unbiased "look" into the spritual side of things. At times or should I say, most of the time, spirituality is "sold" with a trade mark of superstition, dogmas and just ignorant fear without actual Inner Experience of the Soul. The word "Guru" itself has been bastardized in so many ways that it has lost it's sanctity. A "no-bullshit" …. straight from the Heart with no dogmas, superstitions or fear attached is need…..put It in good use, the Divine or whatever you want to call It...will guide you and is leading there. Dwell in That Inner Flow of Life Always in the turmoils of Chaos around you without getting affected by it one bit...watching it go pass and smiling...just smiling...

X

cont...