And The Show Goes On

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I hung on to hope
Of how things should be

And a fear that goes hand in hand
With the hope

Lest it all cave in

With nothing to hang on

And the handholds gone

And one finds oneself suddenly
At that edge

Where hope collapses
And there's nowhere left to go

And you're thoroughly
Right royally rogered

With no handholds

And the tiger has its jaws
Clamped on your throat

And even if one finds perchance

Someone standing by you
At the edge

It feels like a ghostly apparition

There
Yet not there

And you know
This is as far as the bus can go
No further

And no one can come with you
And you're truly alone

And then not even that

As you see yourself
All these images of a patchwork quilt

Which you held so dear

Fall apart

Free falling

It' scary as hell
And utterly devastating

It rips you apart

Nothing could help me
Once the tiger had my scent

Not man
Nor god
Or goddesses

And the tiger was me

It was my own love that tore me apart
And swallowed me whole

Every concept and image
Conceivable

I'd held of myself

And it was my own love
That put me back together again

When there was not even nothing left

Fierce grace
I called it

And to suddenly find
That there was an okayness

With whatever this is
And whatever it turned up looking like

The vested interest

In any particular outcome

Fell away

The collapse is gut wrenching
To say the least

And I have no clue how it happens

Yet in its wake
As the hope disappears
It takes with it
The fear as well

Even the fear of death
A toothless gremlin

It's like being suddenly released from a vice like grip
And can be very disorientating at first

And can take a long time to learn to live like that

Without hope
And without fear

And the one who would have these

A dancer
Dancing
On footless feet

I'm no heroine

All the images I had in my head
Of being

This and that highfalutin
Heroic being

Took a solid beating

Again
And again
And again

Yet this thick skull
Couldn't comprehend it

Tube light or what?

Even just coming to terms with my own limitations
Physical, mental, emotional or psychological
Took a long time coming

Yet when it did
It was like my head was coming out of a mist
A veritable fog in fact

Collapsing in utter relief

I'd held on so long

To the images of myself
Which I'd loved

Quite happy if the so called negative ones
Fell into the gutter

Oh...who the heck was I kidding?

I was those very images
And the clinging

Without which
I was not

It all falls through
The good the bad and the ugly

The good ones are perhaps the last ones to go

Excruciating nightmare
When believed

An utter release when seen through

And yet the self carries on
Beliefs and all

Some old ones might fall through
And new ones get added on

It's beliefs all the way
We are these beliefs
Without which we are not

The self still looks out for itself

And even the belief in beliefs falls through itself

And the fullness comes back in
Even when the brain sees through it's own charade

And there you are
Beliefs and all

And it cries and weeps
And dances in the rain

And cringes in pain
And smiles at rainbows

Everything is deeply felt
Sorrows and joys

You get to feel what you feel
You get to feel it all

Mine or another's

We are not separate

Bringing with it
A tremendous relief

Physical, mental, emotional, and psychological release

Its like giving yourself permission
To be okay with even not being okay

Life was never a stroll in the garden

And there are hugs and laughter
And crying when crying happens

There is nothing solid or stable
That one can hold onto

Not even what some would like to call
Pure consciousness
Or pure awareness

Those are simply new handholds

This beautiful fluid
Magician's tale

Glimmering shimmering
Dream
Live streaming

The only place you and I exist
And love and beauty

Beyond which
There's not even nothing

And no one
There

Ever emerging
And simultaneously
Self erasing

And the show goes on

You and me
And
Joys and pain

And love