This And That

Tags:
This and that
Me and you
I've seen this sort of thing played out in my own life
And it makes me sad
That love is used as a bargaining chip
To manipulate the dream
To get what you want
( It was a shock to the system to realize that it never the other... but my own neediness that was doing this )
To lose it all
But frankly it was quite a relief as well
Cause the neediness of love went out of the window
So did that kind of relationship
I gasped almost falling back to the ground
It was the big catch
To realize with a shock
That nobody could manipulate me if there wasn't something manipulate able in me
To be thought of as unloving
Was unimaginable to me
The last straw... to be seen as being unlovable
And that was the bargaining chip
And it was this
The image of being a loving person
Which inversely translated into being loved
I was shocked... and cried silently
The "you" can't let go of this love
The self love of an imagined one
When the "you" yourself is imaginary
It un-knots itself
Or not
To lose it all
Aaahhh...
The good the bad the ugly
The image I had held of myself just slipped and hit the ground with a thud
There was a strange willingness to not be this
And
To be this
This and that
Whatever it looked like
It all felt empty too
Empty of me
Empty of the image I'd held so tight
The image of me
There was no one holding on
That image was me
Therein lay the sadness
But oh!
It was the most blessed release
Saddened though I felt to the core... through and through
I found there was nothing I could do or not do
About what had arisen in me
As me
I realised it wasn't anyone else manipulating me
In fact I was being pushed to the edge
Cornered by my own beliefs
There are no others
No one was manipulating me
Or pressuring me
Tears
I was at war with myself...
There was no other
How can there be
When there ain't even a you
We are these ideas
And there's nothing beyond
Nor beneath
Or above
All made up
It wasn't "them" or "they" at all
It was my own need to keep that image propped up that was making me manipulate-able
It was the desire to hold on to the image that had built up over a lifetime of being this kind... loving... never saying no... never saying anything that might even remotely hurt another person... kind of a person that I was... that was leaving me wide open for manipulation
You know at first I was totally flummoxed at why the other person would behave they way they did
Considering I'd always been this kind loving giving kinda person that I was
Oh jeez
Lol
The kind of person that I "thought" I was
More like it
Hahaha
Heart breaking really
I'm guessing this is what all that glorious imagery that's been spoken of with the skull opening up and a thousand lotuses blooming and all that is what that means
The soft spot
Opening up into the emptiness
And not even nothing underneath
Our utter vulnerability
These soft spots
How wonderfully innocent to be so utterly human in all the doings and beings
I no longer beat myself up about being these beliefs
They were natural outcomes of circumstances and situations and relationships
Much like a plant adapts to the sun and shade... and light and heat... and dry and rain
Some beliefs slip slide away
Quietly
Some stay
And some morph and change into other beliefs
Like an updated conditioning
Life doesn't come to any grinding earth shattering halt
The desperate desire to believe... that there's a someone... getting someplace... heaven... an escape... a hatch... an opening... out of this dream... this humanity
Beam me up Scotty
The excitement of having found a prize... the goodies to end all goodies... heart palpitatingly oozes away
Only to find oneself slam-dunk back in the dream
The dream goes nowhere
The dreamer itself dreamt up
"Its all prison kid..."
I remember thinking... if the brain could fool me once... might it not be fooling me again?
Fooled once... fooled twice
Ha...
I forget how that saying goes
A fool in fool's paradise
There is no inside outside left
And awakening is the dream as well
The peace that passeth understanding percolates down into the whole of this being-ness
Colouring the dream
Irrespective of circumstances and conditions or the people in the dream... including the me
We feel each other's pain deeply
It pains me deeply to see another hurting
To see the heart break in another... is heart breaking here too
And even as the love flows
And is always there
This intuited unicity
It's not even my pain nor theirs
Pain arising evenly... just like joy or love
And yet I weep
And hug and weep
Holding tenderly
I am... you are
Dear heart of mine
The manipulator disappeared in a wisp of smoke
Along with the one who would be manipulated
There was no one left that would manipulate
Nor one
That was manipulate able
A one way ticket to nowhere
Cause I'd been hurt
And held another responsible for how I felt
I never wanted to be that kind of person that would do that to anyone else
It was shocking to realise that I'd been hurt most by this image of myself that I had held so close to my chest
It took a while for the let go to kick in
And be at rest with this
Whatever this looked like
And not my desire of a vision of how it should be
We hang into these images... it gives the feeling of solidity to the sense if self
Even after it's been realised that you're naked under the garb
And there's not even nothing there
Underneath
These knots unravel themselves
Beautiful warriors all
It plays out as it does
We've all fought our battles in the way we've been equipped
Uniquely... each to their own
Some are mere scratches and some deep wounds on the battlefield
And have left scars
But we've all bled in this decimating blood bath... in varying degrees
We all bleed out onto the lay of the land
If I look back at the decisions that got made
There were a whole lot more of the "bad" ones than the "good"
Or the ones that didn't "work out"
Than the ones that did
And somehow these labels just sound so hollow to me
That's not to say that another's or my own experience is right or wrong... or better or worse than
It simply is
As is
There's nothing anyone including me that does this or that or anything rightly or wrongly
That kinda self judgement fell away when it was realised there was no volition or control about what flowed through me as me
Or through another as the other
It was simply life lifing
In all the shades of black and white and the entire spectrum of colours in between
Wondrous how life plays itself
All I can say is I love you
And I have no idea if that's ever going to be enough
For me... for you... for all around
Loving is all love can do
Made up as even that is
Love is who I am
And you
Tears
- MAI's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Printer friendly version