This And That

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This and that
Me and you

I've seen this sort of thing played out in my own life

And it makes me sad

That love is used as a bargaining chip

To manipulate the dream

To get what you want

( It was a shock to the system to realize that it never the other... but my own neediness that was doing this )

To lose it all

But frankly it was quite a relief as well

Cause the neediness of love went out of the window

So did that kind of relationship

I gasped almost falling back to the ground

It was the big catch

To realize with a shock

That nobody could manipulate me if there wasn't something manipulate able in me

To be thought of as unloving
Was unimaginable to me

The last straw... to be seen as being unlovable

And that was the bargaining chip

And it was this

The image of being a loving person

Which inversely translated into being loved

I was shocked... and cried silently

The "you" can't let go of this love
The self love of an imagined one
When the "you" yourself is imaginary

It un-knots itself
Or not

To lose it all
Aaahhh...
The good the bad the ugly

The image I had held of myself just slipped and hit the ground with a thud

There was a strange willingness to not be this
And
To be this

This and that

Whatever it looked like

It all felt empty too
Empty of me

Empty of the image I'd held so tight
The image of me

There was no one holding on

That image was me

Therein lay the sadness

But oh!
It was the most blessed release

Saddened though I felt to the core... through and through

I found there was nothing I could do or not do

About what had arisen in me

As me

I realised it wasn't anyone else manipulating me

In fact I was being pushed to the edge
Cornered by my own beliefs
There are no others
No one was manipulating me
Or pressuring me

Tears

I was at war with myself...

There was no other
How can there be
When there ain't even a you

We are these ideas
And there's nothing beyond
Nor beneath
Or above

All made up

It wasn't "them" or "they" at all

It was my own need to keep that image propped up that was making me manipulate-able

It was the desire to hold on to the image that had built up over a lifetime of being this kind... loving... never saying no... never saying anything that might even remotely hurt another person... kind of a person that I was... that was leaving me wide open for manipulation

You know at first I was totally flummoxed at why the other person would behave they way they did

Considering I'd always been this kind loving giving kinda person that I was

Oh jeez
Lol

The kind of person that I "thought" I was
More like it

Hahaha

Heart breaking really

I'm guessing this is what all that glorious imagery that's been spoken of with the skull opening up and a thousand lotuses blooming and all that is what that means

The soft spot

Opening up into the emptiness

And not even nothing underneath

Our utter vulnerability
These soft spots

How wonderfully innocent to be so utterly human in all the doings and beings

I no longer beat myself up about being these beliefs

They were natural outcomes of circumstances and situations and relationships

Much like a plant adapts to the sun and shade... and light and heat... and dry and rain

Some beliefs slip slide away
Quietly

Some stay

And some morph and change into other beliefs

Like an updated conditioning

Life doesn't come to any grinding earth shattering halt

The desperate desire to believe... that there's a someone... getting someplace... heaven... an escape... a hatch... an opening... out of this dream... this humanity

Beam me up Scotty

The excitement of having found a prize... the goodies to end all goodies... heart palpitatingly oozes away

Only to find oneself slam-dunk back in the dream

The dream goes nowhere
The dreamer itself dreamt up

"Its all prison kid..."

I remember thinking... if the brain could fool me once... might it not be fooling me again?

Fooled once... fooled twice
Ha...
I forget how that saying goes

A fool in fool's paradise

There is no inside outside left

And awakening is the dream as well

The peace that passeth understanding percolates down into the whole of this being-ness

Colouring the dream

Irrespective of circumstances and conditions or the people in the dream... including the me

We feel each other's pain deeply

It pains me deeply to see another hurting

To see the heart break in another... is heart breaking here too

And even as the love flows

And is always there
This intuited unicity

It's not even my pain nor theirs

Pain arising evenly... just like joy or love

And yet I weep
And hug and weep

Holding tenderly

I am... you are
Dear heart of mine

The manipulator disappeared in a wisp of smoke
Along with the one who would be manipulated

There was no one left that would manipulate
Nor one
That was manipulate able

A one way ticket to nowhere

Cause I'd been hurt
And held another responsible for how I felt

I never wanted to be that kind of person that would do that to anyone else

It was shocking to realise that I'd been hurt most by this image of myself that I had held so close to my chest

It took a while for the let go to kick in

And be at rest with this

Whatever this looked like

And not my desire of a vision of how it should be

We hang into these images... it gives the feeling of solidity to the sense if self

Even after it's been realised that you're naked under the garb

And there's not even nothing there
Underneath

These knots unravel themselves

Beautiful warriors all

It plays out as it does

We've all fought our battles in the way we've been equipped

Uniquely... each to their own

Some are mere scratches and some deep wounds on the battlefield
And have left scars

But we've all bled in this decimating blood bath... in varying degrees

We all bleed out onto the lay of the land

If I look back at the decisions that got made

There were a whole lot more of the "bad" ones than the "good"
Or the ones that didn't "work out"
Than the ones that did

And somehow these labels just sound so hollow to me

That's not to say that another's or my own experience is right or wrong... or better or worse than

It simply is

As is

There's nothing anyone including me that does this or that or anything rightly or wrongly

That kinda self judgement fell away when it was realised there was no volition or control about what flowed through me as me

Or through another as the other

It was simply life lifing

In all the shades of black and white and the entire spectrum of colours in between

Wondrous how life plays itself

All I can say is I love you

And I have no idea if that's ever going to be enough

For me... for you... for all around

Loving is all love can do

Made up as even that is

Love is who I am

And you

Tears