Awakening January, 2008

http://www.omkaradatta.info

In his own words (earlier writings): I came to Advaita around 1998 or 1999 after meeting a member of one of those spiritual mailing lists (oriented to general nondualism).

Immediately I became interested, greatly interested. I was fed up with life, sick of it. I wasn't suicidal, but I saw the repetitiveness, the impossibility to achieve anything of worth. I had been very nervous and scared all my life, hardly able to talk to people. The whole thing was a hell to me, one long hell - I wanted out, but I was afraid of dying.

I got some books - "I Am That" (Nisargadatta), Shankara's "Crest Jewel of Discrimination" and others. I kept meditating, reading, chatting on this list, talking about what I read and encountered. I was very sincere - very. I wanted to fade from existence, to be gone.

This kept up a long time - of course I didn't go anywhere. But at some point, one other person on the list who I knew well - something happened. This person changed radically and suddenly, overnight. It didn't look like "enlightenment" to me, but clearly something was afoot (if you want to know who this person is, I can direct you to something to read/look at).

I was online friends with this fellow, and talked to him often - something he said rang a bell, but I wasn't sure. He kept telling people "you can keep trying to exist, keep trying, but you will never succeed." I didn't understand, but it struck something in me very deep.

Eventually I got fed up - nothing was happening to me, although I had had some various spiritual experiences - ringing ears after chanting OM, bliss, time stopping, you name it. I figured if any of it was true, it would operate. I dropped the whole "spiritual" ball of wax hook, line and sinker and went back to ordinary life.

It did not operate - the bliss and good feelings lingered, then vanished. I was disappointed, but decided that was that. I kept on just living life.

From that point - something was happening. Not only the spiritual seeking dropped, but I started seeking less and less in other areas of life. I was sick of it - I didn't care. I didn't want it, I was OK just online and doing some minimal things. I started living like Nisargadatta, like a cow chewing its cud.

This went on for some time - it kept drying up. My horizons kept getting more and more narrow. An outsider would call me a failure, a loser, tell me I had no life, that I was a zombie and would never amount to anything. I didn't care, I was fed up with anxiety and trouble - I had a source of money (enough to live) and wanted to be alone.

This went on - it all got simpler. Everything was simplifying, drying up, I seemed in a kind of unbroken meditation at times. At some point, I started thinking of those Advaita notions again and realized they were crystal clear - I wanted to talk about them, spout. I returned to those spiritual lists and started spouting.

Shortly after, I felt - it looked to me like the classic "enlightenment experience" (happiness, joy, relief) except nothing changed. It was like feeling my ribs and realizing I was thin - I had it. It was just like a confirmation, like getting baptized making you realize you're a christian. Nothing occurred at all, no supernatural event.

That's the story - life just goes on, I'm living it. I don't care anymore, I take what comes. I'm not really here at all in the way you think I am. There's no delusion of a person, personality.