Awakening January, 2008
http://www.omkaradatta.info
In his own words (earlier writings): I came to Advaita around 1998 or 1999 after meeting a member of one of those spiritual mailing lists (oriented to general nondualism).
Immediately I became interested, greatly interested. I was fed up with life, sick of it. I wasn't suicidal, but I saw the repetitiveness, the impossibility to achieve anything of worth. I had been very nervous and scared all my life, hardly able to talk to people. The whole thing was a hell to me, one long hell - I wanted out, but I was afraid of dying.
I got some books - "I Am That" (Nisargadatta), Shankara's "Crest Jewel of Discrimination" and others. I kept meditating, reading, chatting on this list, talking about what I read and encountered. I was very sincere - very. I wanted to fade from existence, to be gone.
This kept up a long time - of course I didn't go anywhere. But at some point, one other person on the list who I knew well - something happened. This person changed radically and suddenly, overnight. It didn't look like "enlightenment" to me, but clearly something was afoot (if you want to know who this person is, I can direct you to something to read/look at).
I was online friends with this fellow, and talked to him often - something he said rang a bell, but I wasn't sure. He kept telling people "you can keep trying to exist, keep trying, but you will never succeed." I didn't understand, but it struck something in me very deep.
Eventually I got fed up - nothing was happening to me, although I had had some various spiritual experiences - ringing ears after chanting OM, bliss, time stopping, you name it. I figured if any of it was true, it would operate. I dropped the whole "spiritual" ball of wax hook, line and sinker and went back to ordinary life.
It did not operate - the bliss and good feelings lingered, then vanished. I was disappointed, but decided that was that. I kept on just living life.
From that point - something was happening. Not only the spiritual seeking dropped, but I started seeking less and less in other areas of life. I was sick of it - I didn't care. I didn't want it, I was OK just online and doing some minimal things. I started living like Nisargadatta, like a cow chewing its cud.
This went on for some time - it kept drying up. My horizons kept getting more and more narrow. An outsider would call me a failure, a loser, tell me I had no life, that I was a zombie and would never amount to anything. I didn't care, I was fed up with anxiety and trouble - I had a source of money (enough to live) and wanted to be alone.
This went on - it all got simpler. Everything was simplifying, drying up, I seemed in a kind of unbroken meditation at times. At some point, I started thinking of those Advaita notions again and realized they were crystal clear - I wanted to talk about them, spout. I returned to those spiritual lists and started spouting.
Shortly after, I felt - it looked to me like the classic "enlightenment experience" (happiness, joy, relief) except nothing changed. It was like feeling my ribs and realizing I was thin - I had it. It was just like a confirmation, like getting baptized making you realize you're a christian. Nothing occurred at all, no supernatural event.
That's the story - life just goes on, I'm living it. I don't care anymore, I take what comes. I'm not really here at all in the way you think I am. There's no delusion of a person, personality.
Update 23 October, 2008: Things have settled out greatly since January. The mind is silent most of the time now, when not in use. There is only serenity and happiness, fulfillment, an absence of all lack.
