Romancing The Swoon...

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I remember thinking at one point....
When love left my life.....

Shattering the dream.....

That there are more ways than death....

That do us apart.....

And I was so heart-broken......

I wanted to die.....

Such a believer in the...till death do us apart....happily ever after....story.....

Tears....

Little did I realize....that it would all go....

Me....the other ....and love.....
And when that did happen......

Aaaaaahhhhhh.......

Nothing prepared me for nothing.....

And I hadn't realized....it was my own emptiness that I'd longed for.....

It was....death......

The fear of loss....left....

The fear of loss of self....

There was simply no one left to be afraid....

And then love returned.....

Minus the fear ...

The need.....

It inundated me....

How could it not...

The other was me....

And tears welled up.....

And swept me in it's flow....

And it is most sublime.... this love....

How could I have ever confused...
Fear or need with love.....

And now it dances and sings ....

Love....drenched in love.....

Romancing the swoon...

Oh make no mistake....

The self still looks out for itself....

Hahaha.....

But that vice like grip is gone...

Life simply does itself...

Just so....

As it always has.....

Without a me.....
Pushing the river to the sea.....

A friend mentioned a book....The Ego Tunnel by Metzinger

".....a brain book that watched the brains of people who have meditated a whole bunch and when they meditate a part of their brains show a shift in the background foreground separation....maybe that is what happened to ours ... but permanently...."

Even as a child.....right up to finishing high school at 16.....it was like that.....

Just the way I was wired....I'm guessing.....

I never meditated.....

But was naturally given to a very meditative/contemplative kind of bent....

It was a hyper awareness of awareness....

Even as the events and people and me.....

Receded....

Swirling around in the background.....

Then at 19 I got married....
And even as life carried on....husband , kids, et all.....
And my participation......
It continued to be all very dream-like.....

There were moments of course when it switched....
The background came up forefront.....
Those were in moments of stress....

But settled back fairly quickly......like ripples settling into the sea.....

It was only much later around 30....when the clamour and the din....impacted to such an extent....that the balance seems to have been lost....

My world turned topsy-turvy....

The I had taken centre stage....

And it seemed that the wow was lost....

Or so it seemed...

Then the seeking....looking for the horizon....began....
Something distant from me....

Where was the edge....
With every step....
Only to find....
I'd never even moved an inch.....

And yet the dance....

The dancer lost.....

Even as I look at myself now.....I weep.....

I was always standing on the horizon....

The very horizon was me.....

There was simply no separation....

Which is why the I
Could not see.....
The I

The separation.... an inbuilt mechanism.....an automated balance machine.....

Along with the unicity....

Oh wow.....

It feels more like that switched as melted away.....
Which is why it now feels "both dream like....and realer than real"....

A diaphanous chiffon-y garment.....

Knitted as the sky is to the blue......

Where neither exist.....

And yet beauteous to behold....

And I have no clue what those words even mean....

And these songs sing themselves.....

Flowing through me....
As me.....