The Moving Finger....Having Writ.....

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In retrospect we all develop 6/6 vision....

Just in case it were to happen all over again....
That we'd be better prepared !

A pilot, once told me how they had to simulate a terrorist attack on board....

They all went to the exercise perfectly prepared.....
With Copy-book reactions....

After he'd told me...I looked at him and said.....

All this preparation is well and good....

Yet it's all conjecture....

Maybe it just might influence your actions in the case it were to happen....

And maybe not.....

Maybe you'll might just end up peeing in your pants....

I cannot tell you how many times I beat myself up....rolling back the reel of life....re-visiting and replaying it all with a 1001 different scenarios of "if only"

If only....I'd done this or that...
With what I know better now....the outcome would have been different....

Oh tears....

It could never have been any different from what it was...
It simply was what it was....
And so much for all the conjecturing....
And imaginations of who I could have been....
It simply broke my heart to realize...
That this was it...

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

― Omar Khayyám

I wrote about this then.....

It isn't even acceptance of yourself or forgiveness really.....

When you factor out a you doing or not doing....

This sense of volition....

This belief in a self....

The subtle handhold of bravado...running away from this very human-ness..left me crumbled on the floor....on my knees....

This naked...raw....vulnerability.....

Naked...with no place to hide.....face to face ....with this....

Just as it is....

Life has always done itself....

No matter what it turns up looking like...

Not beautifully...
Not perfectly....

These were all ideas I hid behind....
Of what it should look like...

But just as it did...

I no more know what I would say or do.....

And there's a sublime okay-ness with it all...